Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
Ben Stiller: You wouldn't even shake my hand the first time we met.
Larry David: You sneezed... you had snot all over your hand.
Ben Stiller: That was a dry sneeze, Larry.
Larry David: I can't assume dry, I gotta assume wet.
Larry David: Not one Spanish person has figured out that piñata is a sick fucking game?
Larry David: Have you ever played telephone before? You don't even know how to play telephone, do you?
Cheryl: I do know how to play telephone.
Larry David: Oh, do you?
Cheryl: Yeah, but I usually play the "G" version. It's usually something like, "Susie lives down the lane."
Larry David: The kid didn't say "Susie lives down the lane," he said "I love tits!"
Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather.
Jeff Greene: You don't have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication.
Cheryl: Actually, this weekend is the big nrdc benefit we've been working on for months, Alanis Morisette is going to be there.
Wanda: Why don't we just call the terrorists and ask them to pick a weekend more suitable for you?
Leon: Get in that ass, Larry.
Larry David: I am not obsessed with asses.
Wanda: Okay, assy. And what is all that shit all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?
Larry: You don't work. You're unemployed.
Cheryl: Loving you is my job, Larry.
Larry David: This is called a Swiss Army Knife. Do you know what Switzerland is?
Tara Michaelson: No, what's that?
Larry David: Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Marty Funkhouser: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry David: Many reasons.
Marty Funkhouser: Do you crap standing up?
Larry: We're going to put sweet potatoes on the menu... because you can't find sweet potatoes anywhere else, have you noticed that.
Cheryl: Oh, everyone's noticed that.
Leon Black: Barack Obama! I'm the president of hittin' that ass.
Cheryl: Hi, Wandering Bear.
Wandering Bear: Hello. How is... your vagina?
Cheryl: It's... getting better.
Wandering Bear: Good.
Larry David: The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew.
Krazee-Eyez Killa: So you think you gonna cross me and mess with my shit? Opening your fucking trap and flapping your lip. Don't fuck with me ni**a or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop. If you say anything, you'll beg me to die, 'cause I'll make you suck my dick then I'll nut in your eye. I'll stomp on your world as if my name was Godzilla. I'm coming for you mother fucker, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa.
Susie Greene: You four-eyed fuck.
Richard: You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts.
Larry: First of all, Richard, they're not breasts. They're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay?
Krazee-Eyez Killa: You ain't got no etiquette, muthafucka.
Hugh Mellon: Larry.
Larry: Hugh.
Hugh Mellon: Tell me you're enjoyin' yourself.
Larry: No.
Hugh Mellon: Glad you could make it.
