[Blackadder puts the phone down.]
Baldrick: Who was that?
Blackadder: Strangely enough Baldrick, that was his Holiness Pope Gregory IX, inviting me to join him for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sue, currently wintering in Montego Bay, with the England cricket team, and the Balinese Goddes of Plenty.
Baldrick: Really?
Blackadder: No, not really. I've been ordered to HQ - no doubt means that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me an attractive new opportunity to have my brains blown out for Britain.
Quotes from Tony Robinson movies and TV shows
Blackadder: We are reprieved. It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense.
Baldrick: Thank you very much.
Blackadder: As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. [Pauses for a second.] Did you enjoy it?
Blackadder: You're fired.
Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out.
Blackadder: Is the turnip surprise ready?
[Lord Percy and Baldrick start snickering.]
Baldrick: Yes it is, my lord.
Blackadder: Then what is so funny?
Lord Percy: Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a thingy.
Blackadder: A thingy?
Baldrick: A great big thingy. It was terrific.
Blackadder: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed but, that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
Baldrick: Yes. Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Good. Because there's nothing less likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy shaped turnip.
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic my lord, because I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.
Percy: Absolutely, Edmond. But it was jolly funny.
[Baldrick has just been made a lord, much to Blackadder's annoyance, and been given £400,000.]
Blackadder: Give me the bloody money, Baldrick or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick or you're dead, MY LORD.
Blackadder: Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.
Baldrick: Thank you Mr. B.
Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.
Baldrick: My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah. It was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So, he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yeah, that's right.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.
Blackadder: So the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?
Baldrick: Yeah. When you call for ale, I pass water.
Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called adding. If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add to more beans what does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creature of the Indus have mastered this. Now, try again. One, two, three, four! So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three
Blackadder: What.
Baldrick: [Pointing to one.] And that one.
Blackadder: [Picking it up.] Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Ah! Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?
Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that sir?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Blackadder: It is strangely keeping in the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.
Blackadder: I use the word 'man' in the broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God created man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Blackadder: Really, Baldrick, a cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Baldrick: But then I'll go to hell for ever for stealing!
Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.
Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing those pills Mr. B.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are.
Blackadder: Well forgive me if I don't jump up and down with glee, your record in this department is not exactly 100%.
Blackadder: I've had it up to here with that Prince. One more insult and our contract will be as broken as this jug
Baldrick: But that jug's not broken
Blackadder: You really do walk right into these things, don't you Baldrick?
[Smashes the jug on Baldrick's head.].
Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5
Baldrick: Oh no, I hate hostipals! My grandad went into one, and when he came out he was dead!
Blackadder: He was also dead when he went in, Baldrick. He'd been run over by a traction engine.
Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5
Baldrick: I don't like them doctors. If they start poking around inside me...
Blackadder: Baldrick, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?
Baldrick: They might find me interesting.
Blackadder: I find the Great Northern and Metropolitan sewage system interesting, but that doesn't mean I want to put on some rubber gloves and pull things out of it with a pair of tweezers.
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick. Let us not forget you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are, sir!
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing.
Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing ... Until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we ... Spring into action?
Plan B: Corporal Punishment - S4-E2
[Baldrick is called to the stand to defend Blackadder.]
Blackadder: Deny everything, Baldrick.
Lieutenant George: Are you Private Baldrick?
Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: But you are Captain Blackadder's batman?
Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: Come on, Baldrick. Be a little more helpful. It's me.
Baldrick: No, it isn't.
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