Dr. Lao: Now, Mr. Cunningham, do you suppose this garrulous intruder may be a... a swindler, perhaps, an assassin, a charlatan plotting some curious disaster for your town? Such characters exist, but they are secretive rather than mysterious. I, sir, am a major mystery.
Quotes from Tony Randall movies and TV shows
Mike: How old are you?
Dr. Lao: I believe I will tell you. I am seven thousand, three hundred and twenty-two years old... this October.
Clint Stark: Am I going to win?
Apollonius of Tyana: Yes.
Dr. Lao: Every time you pick up a grain of sand you hold a universe in the palm of your hand.
Dr. Lao: The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Don't sneer. Wealthy people are hated and resented. Look what's written on the Statue of Liberty. Does it say, "Send me your rich?" No, it says, "Send me your poor." We're not even welcome in our own country.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: I discussed it with my analyst, Dr. Melnick. He understands it. He says I depress him too.
Jerry Webster: Yeah, well he's only human.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Are you taking Mr. Webster with you?
Wallace, Liquor Industry Representative: No, he's going to San Francisco.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: San Francisco?.. Alcatraz.
Jerry Webster: Your trouble is that you're still living in the shadow of your father. You're even afraid to get rid of his old car.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You don't realise how completely he dominated me ever since I was a little boy. Just once I spoke back to him. He cut a switch from a tree and gave me such a whipping, in front of this girl. It was a shattering experience.
Jerry Webster: Pete, all kids get whippings.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: But I was twenty five, the girl was my fiancé.
Jerry Webster: You haven't been in the office for two months. And that's in the best interest of Ramsey and Son.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: I have a very good reason for not going into the office. It depresses the employees.
Felix Unger: Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.
Felix Unger: Everything you've ever owned is on that bed.
Oscar Madison: You ruined my wine.
Felix Unger: Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles.
Felix Unger: What are you doing?
Oscar Madison: Sterilizing the wound.
Felix Unger: With beer?
Oscar Madison: It's got alcohol in it.
Jonathan Forbes: What a delightful situation! The great Brad Allen, chopped down to size, floating down the river with the rest of us logs.
Jonathan Forbes: Brad, she is the sweetest, she is the loveliest, she is the most talented woman I have ever met.
Brad Allen: That's what you said when you married that stripper.
Jonathan Forbes: She wasn't a stripper. She was an exotic dancer... with trained doves.
Brad Allen: Did she cry?
Jonathan Forbes: Cry? I never knew a woman that size had that much water in her.
Jonathan Forbes: In New York, you have air you can sink your teeth into. It has character.
Jonathan Forbes: Owww.
Brad Allen: What?
Jonathan Forbes: That chair. It just bit me.
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