General Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder - directed according to the Grand Plan. Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until every-one's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan? General Melchett: Great Scott! Even you know it! Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors; hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!
Blackadder: Sir, is there something the matter? General Melchett: You're damned right there's something the matter! Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right under my very nose! Blackadder: Sir, your moustache is lovely.
[Melchett offers an idea to relieve his and Blackadder's boredom.] Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game? Blackadder: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.
Blackadder: I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate. Melchett: Excellent idea - your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you. Blackadder: You are my commanding officer. Melchett: Well? Blackadder: Can I have a weeks leave to recuperate sir? Melchett: Certainly not. Blackadder: Thank you sir. Melchett: Baaah!
Melchett: Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field Blackadder: Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing over the top of our trenches and walking, very slowly towards the enemy? Darling: How did you know that Blackadder? It's classified information Blackadder: It's the same plan we used last time, and the seventeen times before that Melchett: E-e-exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it. It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard. Doing exactly what we've done eighteen times before will be the last thing they expect us to do this time.
Darling: A German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans. Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder. Blackadder: I certainly am sir. I didn't realize we had any battle plans. Melchett: Of course we've got plans! How else do you think our battles are directed? Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir? Melchett: Of course they are. Directed accoring to the grand plan. Blackadder: Oh I see. And would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everybody's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig, and their tortoise, Alan?
Melchett: Grey, I suspect, your Majesty. Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett. Melchett: Grey is more usual, Ma'am. Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen? Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants.
[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine.] Blackadder: There was one thing ma'am, a fine wine from the far east. A most delicious beverage. Queenie: Have a taste boys; tell us what you think. Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose. Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar. Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustable supply of the stuff.
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