Quotes from Lisa Kudrow movies and TV shows

Valerie Cherish: Instead of the barbeque line I could say, "If I let you have the puppies I'll have to let weird old Mr. Schmidt have a SATAN flag!" See, that's good, because everybody hates Satan.

Valerie Cherish: You see puppies, I see Korean barbeque.

Valerie Cherish: Note to self: After a long day at work, I don't want to see that.

The One After the Superbowl, part 2 - S2-E13

Chandler: Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Phoebe: Stick a fork what?
Chandler: You know, like when you're cooking a steak.
Phoebe: Oh, I don't eat meat.
Chandler: Well how do you tell when vegetables are done?
Phoebe: Well you just, you know, you eat them and you can tell.
Chandler: Okay, then eat me, I'm done.

Monica: That key was for emergencies.
Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.

The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Rachel: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
Phoebe: Ha, haha.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.

Monica: I need you at the rehearsal dinner at 1800 hours.
Phoebe: Okay, what time is that?
Monica: You don't know military time?
Phoebe: I must have been in missile training the day they taught that.

Brad ★

The One In Barbados, part 1 - S9-E23

Mike: I love you.
Phoebe: I love you more.
Mike: Not possible.

The One with the Monkey - S1-E10

Ross: His name's Marcel. My friend Bethel rescued him from a lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent want to name their child Bethel?

The Last One (1) - S10-E19

Phoebe: And then we can teach them to sing and we'll be like the Von Trapp family. Although without the Nazis - no, that sounds kinda dull.

The One At The Beach - S3-E25

Rachel: Guys, I'm here to tell you that hats are back.
Phoebe: And this time, they've all ganged up to form one giant super-hat!

The One With The Nap Partners - S7-E6

Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I'm really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: That's ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once.

Mamie: Nothing says "I love you" like blackmail.

Crystal: There is a limit to my classiness.
Gig: Tch. Quite Obviously.

Crystal: Do not fuck with me you sick, masturbating retard.
Walter: Go ahead and rape me, that's what you want.

Russ: What about the puffer?
Crystal: Yeah, well at first I couldn't find it, and when we found it... it was all out of you know... shit... the... um.
Russ: Mist?
Crystal: Yeah that's it. Do you know what his last words were?
Russ: Come on, don't do this.
Crystal: Krystal, my sweet angel. Go into my wallet and get the ticket because you and Russ deserve to have that money.
Russ: Oh, come on... don't do this to me.
Crystal: Fuck me, no fried clams?
Crystal: All right... key lime pie.

[Holly sings to Judy Garland DVD, wearing Gerry's boxers, shirt, suspenders and jewelry, when people walk in.]
John: What is that smell?
Holly: I wasn't expecting company. Mom, don't clean.
Patricia: I'm not. I'll just organize the garbage.
Denise: We did try to call first.
Sharon: Are you drunk?
Holly: No!
Ciara: Do you wanna be?
Patricia: Ciara! [To Holly.] What happened to your head?
Holly: Pimple.
Patricia: You're not showering?
Denise: You always squeeze too hard.
John: What is that smell?
Holly: It's me, all right?
Sharon: Hey, hey, hey, don't be like that.
Holly: Like what?
Sharon: Like the only lonely widow in Gotham City.
Holly: I'm just exhausted.
Denise: Yeah, well, what are you doing, two shows a night?