Quotes from Kirstie Alley movies and TV shows

Caroline Sexton: Coffee? This is a coffee-drinking ordnun? Ohh, praise the Lord, sister.

Diane Barrows: It was there, I know it, that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over - the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.

Diane Barrows: You should really put iodine on your butt... cut.

Diane Barrows: Guys like him like girls with food names: Cookie, Muffin, Candy... They don't marry girls like me.

Diane Barrows: I'm sorry I spoiled the party, I just didn't want the wrong girl going down the aisle. I mean the wrong flower girl.
Roger Callaway: I think you had it right the first time.

Mollie: Grandpa, what's going on?
Grandpa: Look, I'm a hostage.
Burly Orderly: He's not a hostage. He's a mean old bastard! You see what he did to my arm? And he gave the nurse a black eye.

Mollie: Hey, slow down! The first stages of labor can take hours.
James: Yeah, so can the mid-town traffic.

Mollie: My doctor says my breathing's fine.
Albert: You have to do what's best for the baby. When Beth was pregnant.
Mollie: Oh I am so sick of hearing about Beth! Beth Beth Beth Beth! I'm having a hard time figuring out how you could be in love with her and then in love with someone like me. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to make out a will, when Beth had the girls she got a reading of their past lives.

James: Whoa! You really got your figure back, didn't you?
Mollie: This is not my figure.
James: Well then, you got Dolly Parton's figure back.

Albert: He has my eyes.
Mollie: I know he does. You don't know how confusing it is when someone you love so much looks like someone you hate.

Mollie: Rona, if there wasn't such a thing as love, what kind of guy would you get to be your kid's father?
Rona: Someone with a small mouth and good hair. Broad shoulders.
Mollie: No, no, I'm talking about, what kind of a man would you want to stick around and help raise your child?
Rona: There's a man who'd do that?

Mollie: So you're the one who was kicking me.
Mikey: Well, you're the one who ate all that spicy food.

Mollie: Remember how Albert's shrink said that Beth would never get better as long as he kept seeing me?
Rona: Yeah, a million times.
Mollie: Well, he's decided to leave her.
Rona: Albert's leaving his wife?
Mollie: No, he's leaving his shrink. And that's really a good thing, because she was really starting to become an obstacle with us.

Mollie: I think you should try some of that Nobel Prize winner sperm.
Rona: Get outta here. Nobel Prize winners ejaculating in jars?
Mollie: Well, give it a shot. Don't you want a smart baby?
Rona: That's all I need. A baby telling me what an idiot I am. Like I don't get enough of that at work?

Mollie: I'm so lucky. I can't believe I managed to find a nice, handsome family man.
Rona: Yeah, except it's someone else's family.

Mollie: Ma, what would you have done if Daddy was married when you first met him?
Rosie: I wouldn't have fallen in love.
Mollie: Well, you can't control who you fall in love with.
Rosie: Why not?
Mollie: You just can't.
Rosie: Listen. Listen, take your father here. What's his favorite food?
Together: Cheesecake.
Rosie: What did Dr. Slocum tell him?
Mollie: Cut back on cholesterol.
Rosie: So, now he doesn't eat cheesecake. It's the same exact thing.

James: You don't look so hot.
Mollie: Why don't you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot you look?
James: Ouch! Guess I'd better call my mother more often.

Mollie: I'm a very understanding person, Albert. I understand that you are going through a selfish phase. And, I'm sure that you will understand that I am going through a destructive phase.

Albert: I've raised my kids.
Mollie: Raised them? They're 11 and 9. Don't tell me they've moved out and gotten jobs already.

Shoop: I'm telling you, you gotta try these Pop Tarts.
Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop: No thanks, I'm sticking with the Chocodiles.