Quotes from Jonah Hill movies and TV shows

Schmidt: When did I get stabbed? That's AWESOME!

Domingo: You guys even real cops? You look like kids in Halloween
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that your dick's just gonna fall off.

Captain Dickson: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko: It obviously starts with... You have the right to... Remain an attorney...
Captain Dickson: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.

Schmidt: He's black! He's been through a lot!

Schmidt: He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.

Captain Dickson: Hey, you two stop dicking around!
Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt: Thanks.
Captain Dickson: I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter but I'll let that be in the past. Now you two, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko: What?

Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot.

Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.
Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.
Schmidt: Right in the crack.

Schmidt: There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!
Jenko: Oh, shit! Is that it?
Schmidt: No, that's my dick!
Jenko: What about that?
Schmidt: That's my dick also!
Jenko: Why is it hard?
Schmidt: I'm so full of adrenalin right now.

Bartleby Gaines: Remember that time we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
Bartleby Gaines: It's worse than that.

Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot.
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the shit Sandwiches?

Sherman Schrader: It was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away"
Bartleby Gaines: Yeah, you put it as "one click away"! You don't make it... clickable.

Sherman Schrader: Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.

Bartleby Gaines: Does the run-of-the-mill college experience include stripping you of your dignity? Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... a... frigging hot dog suit?
Sherman Schrader: It's a tradition.
Bartleby Gaines: A tradition?
Sherman Schrader: Yes.
Bartleby Gaines: I've got a tradition for you. Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old. That's the only tradition I know.

Sherman Schrader: I don't want to be here alone when the walls start to bleed.

Sherman Schrader: Yes! Yes! I want it! I want everything you guys have! I want Lilac shirts! I want visors kinda tilted to the side with hair gel coming out of them! I want to have sex with girls that look like this.

Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
Sherman Schrader: Scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Hands: Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
Sherman Schrader: I told you that in confidence Hands.
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, you were afraid when you're tooth fell out because you were terrified of the Tooth Fairy.
Sherman Schrader: That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.

Sherman Schrader: Ask me about my wiener.

Sherman Schrader: This place is awesome cause now I can finally get Hepatitis.

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.