Father Curtis: Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Uh, well I should mention that I'm Jewish.
Father Curtis: Oh, that's no sin.
Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I, I have a suspicion he that he converted to Judaism for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you to know, that he's also telling Catholic jokes. And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
Father Curtis: I haven't heard that one.
Jerry; Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and yada, yada, yada and she, and she says "those aren't buoys."
Father Curtis: [Laughing].
Jerry: [Father Curtis still laughing] Father.
Father Curtis: One second. [Continues laughing].
Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld movies and TV shows - page 3 of 3
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, my God. Look at this. It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
George Costanza: "The Rogue's Wallet. It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding... His name was Costanza. He killed my mother."
The Switch - S6-E11
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I have to dress different. I have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and...I'd need a new bedspread, new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. Of course, I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. No. I'm not ready for it.
The Virgin - S4-E10
Elaine: Look at George. He lucked out, huh?
Jerry: Oh, you're not kidding. Who'd have figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
Elaine: Yeah. Since she met him, she's been vomited on, her family's cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.
Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't understand. I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?
Agent: Yes we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car.
The Suicide - S3-E15
Jerry Seinfeld: The thing I don't understand about the suicide person, is the people that try and commit suicide for some reason, they don't die, and then that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact, it's worse, 'cause now they've found out, here's one more thing you stink at. That's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say if pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.
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