Quotes from Jason Mewes movies and TV shows

[Randal reads a newspaper while a customer studies two rental choices.]
Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good.
[Randal continues reading, not even acknowledging her.]
Customer: Are either of these any good?
[Randal continues to read.]
Customer: Sir!
Randal: What?
Customer: Are either of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either of them?
Randal: No.
Customer: You've never heard anybody say anything about either movie?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
[The customer turns around, then turns back with the same two movies.]
Customer: Well, how about these two movies?
[Randal still never looks up.]
Randal: They suck!
Customer: I just held up the same two movies. You're not even paying attention.
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I only pointed out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal: I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well this is the last time I ever rent here...
Randal: You'll be missed.
Customer: Screw you!
[The customer storms out. Randal runs out into the street.]
Randal: Hey you're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: Yeah!

Jay: That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head?

Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the sky, you know.
[Rufus falls out of the sky.]
Jay: Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know!

Jay: The whole fuckin' world's against us dude, I swear to God.

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

Bethany: What gear are you in?
Jay: "Gear"?

Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.
Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT?!

Jay: [Waking up.] I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

Jay: What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.

Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!

Jay: Hey, aren't you the guy that fucked the pie?
Jason Biggs: Yeah, yeah. You see? You see? It's never...it's never "Hey you were in Losers, weren't you?" Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it!
James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie.
Jason Biggs: Enough.

Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G.

Jay: Just fucking say it already!
Silent Bob: THE SIGN! ON THE BACK OF THE CAR! SAID CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD! YOU DUMB FUCK!
Jay: Say it, don't spray it.

Devil Jay: Right about here's the part where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you not to pull your dick out, but we bitch slapped that motherfucker and sent him packing!