Quotes from Jack Lemmon movies and TV shows - page 2 of 4

Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact.
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.

Max Goldman: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?

John Gustafson: We did the horizontal mambo.

Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.

John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.
Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?

John Gustafson: ...very interesting woman.
Jacob: Sounds like a wacko to me.
John Gustafson: I haven't had sex for fifteen years.

Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson: Hello, moron.

Nestor Patou: Why don't we just tell him the truth?
Moustache: The truth? That's dynamite.
Nestor Patou: But I'm innocent.
Moustache: The jails are full with innocent people because they told the truth.

Nestor Patou: Now I'm mad. Now I'm really mad. And when I'm mad, I'm like a tiger.

Irma La Douce: You oughta be ashamed of yourself, scaring a poor little dog like that.
Nestor Patou: They oughta take that dog away from you, you're not a fit mother.

Irma La Douce: A painter once lived here. Poor guy, he was starving. Tried everything, even cut his ear off.
Nestor Patou: Van Gogh?
Irma La Douce: No, I think his name was Schwartz.

Lt. J.g. Douglas A. Roberts: You pretend you want me to improve your mind. You've never finished one book I've given you to read.
Ensign Frank Thurlowe Pulver: I've finished "God's Little Acre," Doug boy.
Lt. J.g. Douglas A. Roberts: I didn't give you that. He's been reading "God's Little Acre" for over a year now. He's underlined every erotic passage and added exclamation points. And after a certain pornographic climax, he's inserted the words "well written."

Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?
Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh.

Felix Ungar: Look, we have to have a plan, agreed?
Oscar Madison: Agreed.
Felix Ungar: Okay. What do you think the plan should be?
Oscar Madison: I don't care. I agreed. I did my part.

Oscar Madison: Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?
Felix Ungar: Deliver, deliver where? You've already crisscrossed California more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago! What the hell are we gonna tell them, follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?

Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.

Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?
Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.

Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?
Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.
Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.
Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.
Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?

Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?
Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.
Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.
Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.
Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.
Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.
Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo.

Felix Ungar: They've probably got poisonous spiders out here.
Oscar Madison: Get out of here, what are they gonna live on? You think they're waiting around for two schmucks like us to show up?