Quotes from Dick Van Dyke movies and TV shows

William Simon aka Billy Bright: I could have been a millionaire.
Martin 'Cockeye' Van Buren: Then, why didn't you do it, then?
William Simon aka Billy Bright: Because I listened to dumbbells like you, that's why?
Martin 'Cockeye' Van Buren: If I'm such a dumbbell, why'd you listen?
William Simon aka Billy Bright: Because I was a bigger dumbbell.

Al Schilling: Billy, have I got good news for you.
William Simon aka Billy Bright: Look, Al, what I want.
Al Schilling: I know what you want and here it is. The good news. Billy, I spoke to Brockman this morning and the Studio is not going ahead with your next picture.

William Simon aka Billy Bright: Comics don't talk. They act.

William Simon aka Billy Bright: As long as the world was calling on Billy Bright to make it laugh, Billy Bright would make it laugh.

William Simon aka Billy Bright: I'd like to talk to you more. You understand me. Can I buy you some dinner?
Mary Gibson: Oh, I'd love to, but, I'm meeting Frank.
William Simon aka Billy Bright: You're? You just proved my point for me. Even when it comes to getting girls, the short guys get the girls.
Mary Gibson: Frank isn't short.
William Simon aka Billy Bright: He's shorter than I am.

William Simon aka Billy Bright: A pie in the face is still a lot funnier than a dirty joke.

William Simon aka Billy Bright: I know how to make people laugh and they don't laugh when I talk.

Rob Petrie: I want to take a nap before I go to sleep.

Laura Petrie: You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead.
Rob Petrie: Who's that?
Laura Petrie: Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.
Rob Petrie: Then how do you know him?
Laura Petrie: Oh Rob, he's famous.

Rob Petrie: At least I'll prove one thing tonight: Television writers marry the prettiest girls.

Bert: Speaking of names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?