Quotes from Albert Brooks movies and TV shows - page 2 of 3

Daniel Miller: Is this Heaven?
Bob Diamond: No, it isn't Heaven.
Daniel Miller: Is it Hell?
Bob Diamond: Nope, it isn't Hell either. Actually, there is no Hell. Although I hear Los Angeles is getting pretty close.

Daniel Miller: Where were you? I'm just curious.
Bob Diamond: I'd tell you, but you wouldn't understand.
Daniel Miller: Don't treat me like a moron. Try me.
Bob Diamond: I was trapped near the inner circle of thought.
Daniel Miller: I don't understand.
Bob Diamond: I told you.

Comedian: Well, there's a nice-looking young man over there. Hi, how'd ya die?
Daniel Miller: On stage, like you.

Julia: Do you have a hot tub in your room?
Daniel Miller: No... why? Do you?
Julia: No! No... it's more like a... it's not even really a hot tub. Y'know, really it just has holes in it.
Daniel Miller: You don't have to protect my feelings. It's okay if you've got a got tub.
Julia: Oh... well then I do.

Daniel Miller: So, you're great people to work with, this is a great present, and I wish I could squeeze you all into one pretty woman. And if you'd like to go to my office, I'll try.

Daniel Miller: Y'know if you really wanna make this place feel like Earth, you should open a few of those mini-malls.
Helen: It's funny you should say that - a few just opened outside of town. Personally, I wouldn't use them because I don't like yogurt and I love doing my own nails.

Daniel Miller: You were born alone, you should celebrate it - celebrate aloneness. That's what birthdays are for.
Jeep Owner: Gee I never thought of it like that.
Daniel Miller: It's a pitiful theory.

Bernie Rose: Here's what I'm prepared to offer. You give me the money, the girl is safe. Forever. Nobody knows about her. She's off the map. I can't offer you the same. So, this is what I would suggest. We conclude our deal. We'll shake hands. You start the rest of your life. Any dreams you have, or plans, or hopes for your future... I think you're going to have to put that on hold. For the rest of your life you're going to be looking over your shoulder. I'm just telling you this because I want you to know the truth. But the girl is safe.

Bernie Rose: My partner is a belligerent asshole with his back up against a wall, and now, so am I.

Shannon: Kid, I want you to meet Mr. Bernie Rose!
Bernie Rose: Nice to meet you.
Driver: My hands are a little dirty.
Bernie Rose: So are mine.

Marlin: Tooooootally sick!
Crush: Isn't it great?
Marlin: NO! I'm gonna be totally sick.

Marlin: It really is quite a view.
Dory: Yup. Unforgettable.

Marlin: Go right over there and forget, Dory. That's what you do best.

Marlin: If this is some kind of practical joke, it's not funny, and I know funny. I'm a clownfish.

Marlin: It's because I like you, I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion.

Marlin: Now, what's the one thing we have to remember about the ocean?
Nemo: It's not safe.
Marlin: That's my boy.

Marlin: Now it's my turn. I'm thinking of something dark and mysterious. It's a fish we don't know. If we ask it directions, it could ingest us and spit out our bones.
Dory: What is it with men and asking for directions?
Marlin: I don't want to play the gender card right now. You want to play a card, let's play the "let's not die" card.

Jerry Peyser: Six people on a beach! I could have saved a fortune.
Steve Tobias: Jer, they're gonna be fine. In fact, the whole family's gonna be just fine.

Jerry Peyser: I'm sorry I called you the worst father in the world. I'm sure there's at least two or three guys who are worse.
Steve Tobias: Thank you, Jer.

Jerry Peyser: I would contract what they call wet bone.
Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: I'm curious to know more about wet bone.