Jodi: You must be angry at the baby whenever it steals your food, huh. Ohh that's mine, not yours. But, you know, because you're family you gotta share.
Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
Ben's Dad: Life doesn't care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.
Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.
Jack: We decided that, we want you to be on camera.
Alison Scott: Oh my god, really?
Jill: I know, I was so surprised too.
Jonah: Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.
Jason: Dude, you went to a city college.
Jonah: I went where I went, all right?
Martin: You guys aren't suppose to make fun at me that's not part of the rules.
Jason: Martin why didn't you just listen when I was explaining the rules? You just looked at me with that blank stare of yours - it was like talking to a wax statue.
Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.
Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit.
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal.
Ben Stone: Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.
Jonah: I won't say it but it rhymes with shmashmortion.
Ben Stone: I live in your phone.
