Lord Arthur Goring: My dear Mrs. Cheveley, I should make you a very bad husband.
Laura: I don't mind bad husbands. I've had two. They amused me immensely.
Lord Arthur Goring: I am glad you have called. I am going to give you some advice.
Laura: Oh pray, don't. One should never give a woman something that she can't wear in the evening.
Lord Arthur Goring: I love you... I love you.
Mabel: Is that your reason then?
Lord Arthur Goring: Mmm. Mabel, I said.
Mabel: I know.
Lord Arthur Goring: Well? Couldn't you you love me just a little bit in return?
Mabel: Arthur, you silly! If you knew anything about anything, which you don't, you would know that I absolutely adore you.
Lord Arthur Goring: Really?
Mabel: Mmm.
Lord Arthur Goring: Well, why didn't you say anything before?
Mabel: Because, dear boy, you never would have believed me.
Lord Arthur Goring: Fashion is what one wears oneself. What is unfashionable is what other people wear. Other people are quite dreadful. The only possible society is oneself.
Lord Caversham: Married yet?
Lord Arthur Goring: Ask me again in half an hour.
Laura: Then I take it you reject my proposal?
Lord Arthur Goring: I'm afraid I must. For you see, as tempting as it may be, in truth it's little more than blackmail.
Laura: True.
Lord Arthur Goring: Yes, but the fact is, father, this is not my day for talking seriously.
Lord Caversham: What do you mean, sir?
Lord Arthur Goring: I mean that, during the season, father, I only talk seriously on the first Tuesday in every month. Between noon and three.
Lord Arthur Goring: Gertrude, it is not the perfect, but rather the imperfect who have need of love.
Gertrude: You seem to know a great deal about it all of a sudden.
Lord Arthur Goring: Oh, I hope not. All I know, Gertrude, is that it takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it. And even more courage to see it in the one you love. Gertrude, you have more courage than any woman I have ever known. Do not be afraid now to use it.
Lord Arthur Goring: Mrs. Cheveley.
Laura: Call me Laura.
Lord Arthur Goring: I don't like that name.
Laura: You used to adore it.
Lord Arthur Goring: Yes, that is why.
Countess: Aren't you going to congratulate me?
Lord Arthur Goring: Congratulations.
Countess: Aren't you going to ask what for?
Lord Arthur Goring: What for?
Countess: I've made a great decision. I've decided to get married.
Lord Arthur Goring: My God! Who to?
Countess: That part is yet to be decided.
Mabel: Lord Goring, I gather you're to be congratulated.
Lord Arthur Goring: Well, there's nothing I like more than to be congratulated, though invariably I find the pleasure immeasurably increased when I know what for.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Do you know, Arthur, I sometimes wish I were you.
Lord Arthur Goring: Do you know, Robert, sometimes I wish you were too. Except that you would probably make something useful out of my life, and that would never do.
Gertrude: Oh, Arthur... what a good friend you are to him, to us.
Lord Arthur Goring: Yes, but we're not out of danger yet. In fact, I believe there's a rather popular saying about frying pans and fires, except now it is you and I, dear Gertrude, who are to be roasted.
Laura: We were quite well suited, as I recall.
Lord Arthur Goring: Well, you were poor, I was rich, it must have suited you very well. And then you met the Baron, who was even richer. And that suited you better.
Laura: Have you forgiven me yet?
Lord Arthur Goring: My dear woman, it's been so long, I'd all but forgotten you.
Gertrude: Yes, Arthur, it is Robert himself who wishes to retire from public life.
Lord Arthur Goring: Rather than risk losing your love, he would do anything. Has he not been punished enough?
Gertrude: We've both been punished. I set him up too high.
Lord Arthur Goring: Do not set him down now too low.
Sir Robert Chiltern: Anyway, what's that saying about the sea and there being plenty of fish in it?
Lord Arthur Goring: Ah, yes, but I couldn't possibly marry a fish. I'd be sure to land an old trout.
Lord Caversham: What are you doing here, sir? Wasting your time, as usual?
Lord Arthur Goring: My dear father, when one pays a visit, it is for the purpose of wasting other people's time and not one's own.
Lord Caversham: Do you always understand everything you say?
Lord Arthur Goring: Yes... if I listen attentively.
Lord Caversham: Conceited young puppy.
Tommy Trafford: Miss Mabel, I hope you'll be able to make our usual appointment, as I have something very particular I wish to say to you. Good day, ladies.
Mabel: When Tommy wants to be romantic, he talks to one just like a doctor.
Lord Arthur Goring: There's somebody I want you to talk to.
Lord Caversham: What about?
Lord Arthur Goring: About me, sir.
Lord Caversham: Not a subject on which much eloquence is possible.
