Tummler: I'm pretty smart, if I say so myself.
Huntz: Why is that?
Tummler: This afternoon, we walked into a fruit store, and the clerk thinks I'm some out-of-town hick. "Those apples will be two bucks each," he tells me. That's where I outsmarted him. I pass over a five. And as he's about to give me a dollar change, I say, "Keep it, we're even. On the way in, I stepped on a grape."
Boy on Couch: I had a lesbian midwife who gave birth to my mother, while I was born through my mother's womb.
Tummler's Father: That little girl from Salt Lake City / Two quart legs and two rubber titties / Loves electricity, but she burns off gas / Got a V8 pussy and a Cadillac ass.
Boy on Couch: She sprouted a fucking moustache.
Eddie: I take Ritalin, this kind of prescription drug. It's not like a drug that fucks you up. If anything, it makes you normal.
Tummler: When I sit down to eat, I get sexy! When I go to bed, I get hungry! I saw a man lying in the street, and I said, "Can I help you?" He said, "No. I just found a parking space. Now I'm waiting for my wife to go buy a car!"
