Will Bloom: Unbelievable.
Senior Ed Bloom: The story of my life.
Little Girl: He ate mah dawg.
Senior Ed Bloom: They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.
Sandra Bloom: You don't even know me.
Young Ed Bloom: I have the rest of my life to find out.
Senior Ed Bloom: Sometimes, the only way to catch an uncatchable woman is to offer her a wedding ring.
Will Bloom: We have to take Glenville to avoid the church traffic because the damn church people drive too slow.
Young Jenny: Promise me you'll come back.
Young Ed Bloom: I promise. Someday. When I'm really supposed to.
Senior Sandra Bloom: I don't think I'll ever dry out.
Senior Ed Bloom: You are in for a surprise.
Will Bloom: Am I?
Senior Ed Bloom: Havin' a kid changes everything. There's burping, the midnight feeding, and the changing.
Will Bloom: You do any of that?
Senior Ed Bloom: No. But I hear it's terrible. Then you spend years trying to corrupt and mislead this child, fill his head with nonsense, and still it turns out perfectly fine.
Will Bloom: You think I'm up for it?
Senior Ed Bloom: You learned from the best.
Norther Winslow: Roses are red. Violets are blue. I love Spectre.
Young Ed Bloom: I can't go back, I'm a human sacrifice.
Senior Ed Bloom: I've told you a thousand facts, Will, that's what I do. I tell stories.
Will Bloom: You tell lies, Dad.
Young Ed Bloom: Now I may not have much, but I have more determination then any man you're ever likely to meet.
Young Ed Bloom: There comes a point when any reasonable man will swallow his pride and admit he made a mistake. The truth is... I was never a reasonable man.
Will Bloom: A man tells his stories so many times that he becomes the stories. They live on after him, and in that way he becomes immortal.
Young Ed Bloom: The biggest fish in the river gets that way by never getting caught.
Josephine: Oh, so this is a tall tale?
Senior Ed Bloom: Well, it's not a short one.
Senior Ed Bloom: People needn't worry so much. It's not my time yet. This is not how I go.
Will Bloom: Really?
Senior Ed Bloom: Truly. I saw it in the eye.
Will Bloom: The old lady by the swamp?
Senior Ed Bloom: She was a witch.
Will Bloom: No, she was old and probably senile.
Senior Ed Bloom: I saw my death in that eye, and this isn't how it happens.
Will Bloom: So how does it happen?
Senior Ed Bloom: Surprise ending. Wouldn't want to ruin it for you.
Senior Ed Bloom: And that's my life story.
