David Dobel: What you don't know, won't hurt you, it'll kill you. Like if they tell you you're going to shower but they turn out not to be showers.
Jerry Falk: She's so sexy. Look at her body language. All verbs.
Jerry Falk: I feel like committing suicide, but I've got so many problems, that wouldn't solve them all.
Amanda: I've had a crush on you since we met. Couldn't you tell, the way I was ignoring you?
Jerry Falk: Well, there was something compelling about your apathy.
David Dobel: Why are you in analysis? You're afraid to sleep, what else?
Jerry Falk: Fear of death.
David Dobel: That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
Amanda: I told you, shrinks don't work for me, I know how to fool them.
Amanda: Jerry, don't be mad. Don't be mad. And don't be mad at Ron, he was just trying to help.
Jerry Falk: Of course he was. Ron? How could I be upset at Ron? In fact, remind me please to put him on my Christmas list if I can figure out how to make a letterbomb.
Jerry Falk: The doctor had better sex examining her than I've had in six months! She has this wayward appeal. Men go instantly crazy for her. I - what'll I do? I - I'm trapped in a situation here. What'll I do? Say something.
Psychiatrist: Our time is up. Suppose we continue at our next meeting.
David Dobel: Let me tell you, Falk. We live in perilous times. You got to keep alert for these things. You don't want your life to wind up as black-and-white newsreel footage scored by a cello in a minor key.
David Dobel: Since the beginning of time people have been, you know, frightened and, and unhappy, and they're scared of death, and they're scared of getting old, and there's always been priests around, and shamans, and now shrinks, to tell 'em, "Look, I know you're frightened, but I can help you. Of course, it is going to cost you a few bucks..." But they can't help you, Falk, because life is what it is.
Psychiatrist: Tell me about your dream. The Cleveland Indians all got jobs at Toys R Us?
Jerry Falk: Yeah. So what can it possibly mean? Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here describing lunatic dreams. I have a date with Amanda. I can't keep running around town on the sly and live like this. Amanda can handle it, but I need help. What do I do? I have to extricate myself from Brooke. It'll break her heart. She wants to marry me.
Psychiatrist: What comes to mind about the Cleveland Indians?
David Dobel: The pill makes her crazy? Falk, she is crazy. The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.
Amanda: Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller. But I didn't do it because I care about him.
Jerry Falk: No? What then? To punish him?
Amanda: No, I did it because I had to find out if there was something wrong with me. Because I can't sleep with you, the person that I love. I had to know if I was some kind of freak, or frigid. I had to know if I could even get aroused anymore and have an orgasm.
Jerry Falk: And can you?
Amanda: Yeah. It's good news. I can.
Amanda: Who do you need protection from?
Jerry Falk: Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.
Jerry Falk: Okay, all right, I want out of this relationship.
Amanda: Jerry, Jerry don't say that. Don't say that, you know I need you.
Jerry Falk: Need me? How can you need me when all of these positive feelings happen with everybody but me?
David Dobel: ...and the next thing I knew they made some crack about my religion which I found in poor taste.
Jerry Falk: Religion? You're an atheist.
David Dobel: Yes, I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact however obliquely that they implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.
David Dobel: You think quantum physics has the answer? I mean, you know, what purpose does it serve for me that time and space are exactly the same thing? I mean I ask a guy what time it is, he tells me 6 miles? What the hell is that?
David Dobel: You know, Falk, if a guy comes out onstage at Carnegie Hall and throws up, you can always find some people who will call it art.
David Dobel: The thing I'm going to miss the most is the kids. The kids are, are wonderful kids and they're bright, you know. You should see the creative ways they smuggle weapons past the metal detectors, it's amazing.
Jerry Falk: Do you love me?
Amanda: What a question. Just because I pull away when you touch me?
