Count De Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy.
King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit.
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Gladiator.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Yeah.
Dole Office Clerk: Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?
Empress Nympho: Bob?
Bob: Yes, Your Highness?
Empress Nympho: Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa.
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: I got a great corkscrew.
Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa.
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd.
Plumbing Salesman: Yes, citizens, plumbing! It's the latest invention to hit Rome! It moves water from one place to another! It's astounding, it's amazing! Get on the bandwagon! Pipe the shit right out of your house.
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys.
Marcus Vindictus: Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard.
Insolent Flunky: Count Da Money.
Count de Monet: De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay.
Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate: Fuck THE poor.
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a bullshit artist.
Comicus: Grumble.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bullshit last week?
Comicus: Yes.
King Louis XVI: Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet.
Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls.
Count de Monet: At least I have them.
Bearnaise: Bitch.
Count de Monet: Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise.
Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything.
Narrator: See: Hitler on Ice.
Jaques: Josephus! How did you get here from the Roman Empire?
Josephus: Don't be square, mon cher! Movies is magic.
Josephus: Not to worry, not to worry... we are now armed with mighty joint!.
Chemist: What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans.
Chemist: Gee, I just ran out.
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice.
Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game.
