Harlan: I guess the minister is coming to baptize father so he won't have to go to hell.
Whitney: He can't be baptized in a house. You gotta have water.
Harlan: We have lots of water.
Whitney: Not the right kind.
Father: Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?
Vinnie: But Clare, they're just staying in that little room of Clarence's.
Father: The trouble is, they don't stay there. They stay in the bathroom. Every time I want to take a bath, it's full of giggling females washing their hair.
Vinnie: Is that suit of your father's too tight for you?
Clarence Day: No, it's not too tight.
Vinnie: Well, what is it?
Clarence Day: Mother, very peculiar things have happened since I started to wear this suit. I can't seem to make these clothes do anything Father wouldn't do.
Vinnie: Oh, that's nonsense. And not to kneel in church is a sacrilege.
Clarence Day: Making Father's trousers kneel seemed like more of a sacrilege.
Vinnie: Why didn't you kneel in the church today?
Clarence Day: I... I just couldn't.
Vinnie: Just because your father doesn't kneel, you must remember he wasn't brought up to kneel in church, but you were. Has it anything to do with Mary? I know that she is a Methodist.
Clarence Day: Oh, no, mother. Methodists kneel, Mary told me. They don't get up and down so much, but they stay down longer.
Father: What's that doing in here?
Vinnie: That's our new rubber plant.
Father: The place for rubber plants is on the equator. Take that object out, Catherine. You're not Catherine.
Annie: No, sir.
Father: Good. Never liked Catherine, anyway.
Clarence Day: Jiminy, another wreck on the New Haven. That always disturbs the stock market. Father won't like that.
Vinnie: I do wish the New Haven would stop having wrecks. If they knew how much it upsets your father.
Miss Wiggins: Sir, before I can let any girl go from this establishment, I must know the character of the home in which she will be employed.
Father: Madam, I am the character of my home.
Father: Work never hurt anyone. It's good for them. But if you're going to work, work hard. King Solomon had the right idea about work. "Whatever thy hand findest to do," Solomon said, "do thy doggonedest."
Father: I'm going to be baptized.
Vinnie: I do the best I can to keep down expenses. You know yourself Cousin Phoebe spends twice as much as we do.
Father: Don't talk to me about your cousin Phoebe.
Vinnie: You talk about your own relatives enough.
Vinnie: That's not fair, Vinnie. When I talk about my relatives, I criticize them.
