Monk: All right, go ahead. Just see how far you get. Go on, go on. You won't last. You'll see how it is in the real world. Go on. You'll come back. You're just bluff. You're all phony. You'll be back. It may take a week, it may take an hour, but you'll be back.
Jason: I'm bored with sitting around. I'm a dramatic character. I need forward motion.
Gil Shepherd: You can't learn to be real. It's like learning to be a midget.
Emma: You're gonna get a champion roll in the hay.
Tom Baxter: What, there's hay in the bedroom?
Jason: What are you people doing here? We can't continue the story 'til Tom gets back.
Harold: Oh, we don't mind observing you all.
Harold's Wife: Yes. My husband is a student of the human personality.
Rita: Oh yeah, well we're not human.
Harold's Wife: It doesn't matter to Harold. He has trouble with humans.
Gil's Agent: Tom Baxter's come down off the screen and he's running around New Jersey... Nobody knows how it happened, but he's done it.
Gil Shepherd: How can he do that? It's not physically possible.
Gil's Agent: In New Jersey anything can happen.
Movie Patron: You can't talk to my wife that way - who do you think you are?
The Countess: I'm a genuine countess with a lot of dough, and if that's your wife she's a tub of guts.
Tom Baxter: It's so impulsive, but... I'll come. Why not? What's life without a little risk taking? Who knows?
Tom Baxter: Cecilia, it's clear how miserable you are with your husband. And if he hits you again, you tell me. I'd be forced to knock his teeth out.
Cecilia: I don't think that'd be such a good idea. He's big.
Tom Baxter: I'm sorry. It's written into my character to do it, so I do it.
Tom Baxter: You make love without fading out?
Tom Baxter: Dad was a card. I never met him. He died before the movie began.
Cecilia: I just met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything.
Gil Shepherd: I worked so hard to make him real.
Gil's Agent: Maybe you overdid it.
