Surgeon: Who the fuck are you and what do you want?
Tao: I'm the mother fucker that's going to do you, what you've been doing to everybody else.
Pastor John: I used to be like you.
Corey: What, you had a training bra?
Pastor John: Not exactly. When I was your age, I experienced things that made me feel like God didn't exist. Maybe you've experienced something like that too.
Sam: You don't know anything about me.
Pastor John: I can see that you're in pain.
Sam: I'm alive.
Pastor John: Is that how you see life?
Sam: Till farts taste like cherries, yeah.
Corey: What do you think God's farts taste like?
Sam: Marshmallow Peeps.
John Connor: I knew it. I knew it was coming. But this is not the future my mother warned me about. And in this future, I don't know if we can win this war. This is John Connor.
Arkin: Stupid fucking cat.
Lord Henry Wotton: There's no shame in pleasure. Man just wants to be happy. But society wants him to be good. And when he's good, he's rarely happy. When he's happy, he's always good.
Arthur Lewis: Well, we'll always have Mars.
Madame Truska: Why can't you just get a cell phone?
Larten Crepsley: Because vampires don't need cellphones.
Wes Wilson: I'll put in my next book. How does that sound?
Isaac: Like having my balls licked by a porcupine.
Abbey Tyler: The stuff that really shakes us.We seldom never see coming.
Jake: She's here.
Edward Dalton: Is this place safe?
Elvis: Living in a world where vampires are the dominant species is about as safe as bare backing a 5 dollar whore.
Laurie Strode: I'm not me.
Mya Rockwell: Who are you, then?
Laurie Strode: I'm Michael Myers' sister.
Catherine Stewart: Did you find that waitress sexy?
David Stewart: Which one?
Catherine Stewart: The one you were flirting with.
David Stewart: Oh come on, I was being friendly.
Claire Stenwick: I found these in your closet.
Ray Koval: I swear to you I have no idea who they belong to.
Claire Stenwick: Well in that case I'll put them back on.
Ray Koval: You're gaming me?
Title Card: During the 1980s over 70% of American adults believed in the existence of abusive Satanic Cults... Another 30% rationalized the lack of evidence due to government cover ups... The following is based on true unexplained events.
Ryder: Life is simple now. They just have to do what I say.
Keith Ripley: What the fuck are you doing?
Gabriel Martin: Improvising.