Gracie: Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys.
Ron Carter: In light of the severity of these crimes, we ask for remand, your honor.
Ms. O'Brien: In light of the weakness of their evidence, remand is absurd.
Ron Carver: The evidence past mustard with the grand jury.
Ms. O'Brien: Oh right, was my client indicted before or after the ham sandwich?
Jo McGuire: Well, I can't speak for Lanny.
Sam McGuire: Somebody's got to.
Nate: Why do you treat me like shit all the time, Brenda?
Brenda: Because I've had a really fucked-up life and I need sarcasm to hide how ridiculously miserable I am.
Hoss Delgado: Give it to us straight, Goodburger. Is our little Remus.
Mandy: Billy.
Hoss Delgado: ...Billy, on the bullet train to Smartsville, or is he riding the slow pony to the rubber forest?
Commander Tucker: Where did you put the phase pistols?
Travis Mayweather: You're going to shoot a bug?
Commander Tucker: I'm just going to stun it.
Reporter: The way I see it you and I are on the same team here. The only difference is you're looking for a cause of death and I'm looking for a by-line.
Jordan: You keep following me you'll be looking for a hospital.
Cheyenne: You're leaving? Who's going to watch Elizabeth?
Reba: Oooh, that was close. I almost left her alone with her parents.
Van Montgomery: They all want grandchildren, but they never think of the consequences.
Niels Buckingham: I've felt the horrors of alcoholism myself. I was on a journey, the destination was Cambodia. I was going with high speed down the rollercoaster of life. Booze, gambling, voluptuous women, cockfights, pills, midgets and junior strip. Opium and mud wrestling against blind people. At last, it all became too much and I was expelled from Copenhagen Airport.
Aku: Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil. But a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future where my evil is law. Now the fool seeks to return to the past and undo the future that is Aku.