Ron Carter: In light of the severity of these crimes, we ask for remand, your honor.
Ms. O'Brien: In light of the weakness of their evidence, remand is absurd.
Ron Carver: The evidence past mustard with the grand jury.
Ms. O'Brien: Oh right, was my client indicted before or after the ham sandwich?
Jo McGuire: Well, I can't speak for Lanny.
Sam McGuire: Somebody's got to.
Nate: Why do you treat me like shit all the time, Brenda?
Brenda: Because I've had a really fucked-up life and I need sarcasm to hide how ridiculously miserable I am.
Hoss Delgado: Give it to us straight, Goodburger. Is our little Remus.
Mandy: Billy.
Hoss Delgado: ...Billy, on the bullet train to Smartsville, or is he riding the slow pony to the rubber forest?
Jannar: Someone once said that dealing with Reptilians is like bargaining with the sun. You make no progress, and you come away burned.
Niels Buckingham: I've felt the horrors of alcoholism myself. I was on a journey, the destination was Cambodia. I was going with high speed down the rollercoaster of life. Booze, gambling, voluptuous women, cockfights, pills, midgets and junior strip. Opium and mud wrestling against blind people. At last, it all became too much and I was expelled from Copenhagen Airport.
Dr. Nigel Townsend: Jordan, you should know that last night will never happen again.
Jordan: Oh God, what are we talking about here?
Dr. Nigel Townsend: My new image in the workplace. No more Nigel-the-computer-jockey. Okay, I was swept up in the moment, but now it's truly done.
Aku: Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil. But a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future where my evil is law. Now the fool seeks to return to the past and undo the future that is Aku.
Brian Potter: Don't talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive.
Les: An' we all know why that is don't we? Too much "Trumpet Polishin'"