Cliff Murdoch: I just figured out why the Cubs lose every year. They've got more talent in the stands than they do in the field.
Euripides: Yeah, yeah, I'm lickin' your balls, best balls I ever had. Uh-huh, you've got King-Kong balls. Your balls are so large, just big balls, I don't care. You just got big balls.
Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Son, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take that tape.
Ernie: What about the First Amendment?
Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Fuck the First Amendment.
Lois Kaiser: Don't you want me to lick your balls for you?
Doctor Jarret: When you think of guard dogs, you first think of German Shepherds: they are smart, lethal... but not good enough. Now we developed the new Emax3000. They are totally obsolete.
Johnny: I wanna join the Army.
Aunt Bella: The Army? Our Army?
Johnny: Yeah! But they wouldn't take me. I couldn't pass the, the - hatever they give you I couldn't pass.
Giddy: ...did you know it could be dangerous to wake somebody up when they're dreaming, well, because you leave part of your brain behind. And if it happens too many times, you go feeble in the head.
Sheela: Yeah. You're living proof.
Milo Peck: He likes to play the field. He takes after me.
Julia: A baboon in heat takes after you.
Milo Peck: Funny. You're killing me, you're really killing me. Oh yeah, I'm already dead. I forgot.
Cole Parker: I want you to press the ignition button. You got me?
Dani Servigo: Ignition?
Cole Parker: Ignition. Yeah. Shit. He can't read. I tell you what you do. Hold up that first finger. Tell me what you see.
Dani Servigo: A finger.
Cole Parker: No, it looks like an "I." That's the first letter in "ignition."
Frank: You said you'd help out a little.
Jeff Blue: Novacek's not "a little," Frank. She's a psycho.
Detective Bill Reimers: I've had this moustache for thirteen years. How long have you had yours?
Beatrice: I pray you, who is his companion now? He hath every month a new sworn brother.
Messenger: He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.
Beatrice: O lord, he will hang upon him like a disease. He is sooner caught than the pestilence and the taker runs presently mad. God help the noble Claudio. If he have caught the Benedick, 'twill cost him a thousand pound ere he be cured.
Matthew Welsh: You cold-blooded murderess.
Hexina: What did you just call me?
Matthew Welsh: Murderess.
Hexina: Oh, I thought you said Methodist. For a moment I was insulted.
Lawrence Woolsey: Herb's an interesting guy. He used to be kind of, uh... dishonest: shakedown artist, strong arm. Someone sent him to collect money from me just when I needed an inexpensive actor. Isn't it fun to know these things about your favorite stars?
Charles: Hey Henry check out that fine mamma she is fine.
Henry: Oh yeah. Charles you're starting to frighten me.
Bob Alexander: I'm going to kill him.
Alan Reed: You can't kill a President.
Bob Alexander: He's not a President. He's an ordinary person. I can kill an ordinary person.
Alan Reed: Bob.
Bob Alexander: I can kill a hundred ordinary people.