Cliff Murdoch: I just figured out why the Cubs lose every year. They've got more talent in the stands than they do in the field.
Euripides: Yeah, yeah, I'm lickin' your balls, best balls I ever had. Uh-huh, you've got King-Kong balls. Your balls are so large, just big balls, I don't care. You just got big balls.
Bob Alexander: I'm going to kill him.
Alan Reed: You can't kill a President.
Bob Alexander: He's not a President. He's an ordinary person. I can kill an ordinary person.
Alan Reed: Bob.
Bob Alexander: I can kill a hundred ordinary people.
Hal Jackson: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Sarah Mathews: Yes, I do mind.
Zora: Ma, this is his office.
Sarah Mathews: I don't care, this is my lungs, he can get himself killed.
Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Son, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take that tape.
Ernie: What about the First Amendment?
Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: Fuck the First Amendment.
Lois Kaiser: Don't you want me to lick your balls for you?
Doctor Jarret: When you think of guard dogs, you first think of German Shepherds: they are smart, lethal... but not good enough. Now we developed the new Emax3000. They are totally obsolete.
Johnny: I wanna join the Army.
Aunt Bella: The Army? Our Army?
Johnny: Yeah! But they wouldn't take me. I couldn't pass the, the - hatever they give you I couldn't pass.
Cole Parker: Put the gun down before I take it from you.
Dani Servigo: Put the gun down? Put the gun down? I'm gonna put the gun down your fuckin' throat.
Giddy: ...did you know it could be dangerous to wake somebody up when they're dreaming, well, because you leave part of your brain behind. And if it happens too many times, you go feeble in the head.
Sheela: Yeah. You're living proof.
Detective Bill Reimers: I've had this moustache for thirteen years. How long have you had yours?
Beatrice: He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man. And he that is more than a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a man - I am not for him.
Matthew Welsh: You cold-blooded murderess.
Hexina: What did you just call me?
Matthew Welsh: Murderess.
Hexina: Oh, I thought you said Methodist. For a moment I was insulted.
Larry Wilson: I was not the one who was out CONGA-DANCING all night, huh.
Johnny: You may not know this, Missy, but I ate Chuck for YOU.
Missy's Friend: God, my boyfriend won't even pump gas for me.
Harrison Winslow: Who came up with this ridiculous concept anyway? Resolve your entire life in one bold stroke? What if I fail? And I will. I'll fail. I'm telling you. I always fail. Then my whole life will be a complete failure.
Thomas Reilly: No offense, Harrison. But you died a failure because you never tried.