Bert: Speaking of names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?
Little John: When your opponent's sittin' there holding all aces, there's only one thing left to do: Kick over the table.
General Jack D. Ripper: When they tortured you did you talk?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Ah, oh, no... Well, I don't think they wanted me to talk really. I don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.
Anne: You stepped on my foot.
Walter Eckland: You put it under mine.
Molly Brown: Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give in.
John: He's sex obsessed! The older generation's leading our nation in a state of galloping ruin.
Dreyfus: Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.
Fakrash: Select the design you wish and 3,000 houses will appear before your eyes...an entire city.
Harold Ventimore: You can't put up houses like that!
Fakrash: Oh, yes I can! With one wave of my hand.
Harold Ventimore: Listen, Mr. Fakrash, you don't own this land. And even if you did, you can't build on it without a building permit. Then detailed plans have to be drawn up, then the building Inspectors have to OK them, then they have to approve every step of the work: foundation, plumbing, electrical... Furthermore, all materials must be union made and all work must be done by union labor.
Fakrash: When the Pharaohs put up the pyramids, they had no such problems. In those days...
Harold Ventimore: - These aren't those days, they're these days. There is no room for magic now. Everything must be done legitimately today. (01:10:00)
Lucky Jackson: Where you from, Rusty?
Rusty Martin: Dubuque.
Lucky Jackson: Well whaddya know, I've never been there myself, but its interesting that you're from good old Dubuque.
Rusty Martin: Before you get too attached to 'good old Dubuque', we moved there from Chillicothe, Ohio.
Rusty Martin: Chillicothe, Ohio, well, how about that, I've never been there either.
Julius Caesar: I've cleaned up this city. Have you forgotten my slogan? 'Nihil expectore in omnibus' - no spitting on the public transport.
Orville J. Spooner: If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for us.
Captain Morton: I don't want a crew of whining sissies with table manners. I want MEN.
Doc: You've GOT men! That's your problem! If we were in combat it would be different. These men left their homes to fight, but they never got into the war! They're in limbo, Captain, trapped between heaven and hell on a floating 10-cent store.
Captain Morton: You "college" officers make me puke.
George Kimball: When a man's wife thinks he's having an affair, how can he convince her he's not?
Arnold Nash: He can't.
George Kimball: But I'm not having one.
Arnold Nash: Doesn't make any difference.
George Kimball: Isn't a man innocent until proven guilty?
Arnold Nash: Look, you're dealing with your wife. You can forget the Constitution.
Doctor Crow: I am Doctor Crow. You are surprised?
Daphne Honeybutt aka Agent Brown Cow: Yes, I am! I expected you to be a man... or a woman.
Cole Younger: Listen, right now Trigger and Roden are up in Bald Knob selling guns and ammunition to the Indians.
Ma Tatum: You look like you been drug through a mole hole backwards.