Bert: Speaking of names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?
President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
Little John: When your opponent's sittin' there holding all aces, there's only one thing left to do: Kick over the table.
Lieutenant Stebbings RAN: Mother Goose is requesting a chaplain.
Commander Frank Houghton RAN: A chaplain? Good heavens, he's killed her.
Lieutenant Stebbings RAN: No, sir. They want to get married.
Commander Frank Houghton RAN: Married? Goody Two-Shoes and the Filthy Beast?
John: He's sex obsessed! The older generation's leading our nation in a state of galloping ruin.
Fakrash: Select the design you wish and 3,000 houses will appear before your eyes...an entire city.
Harold Ventimore: You can't put up houses like that!
Fakrash: Oh, yes I can! With one wave of my hand.
Harold Ventimore: Listen, Mr. Fakrash, you don't own this land. And even if you did, you can't build on it without a building permit. Then detailed plans have to be drawn up, then the building Inspectors have to OK them, then they have to approve every step of the work: foundation, plumbing, electrical... Furthermore, all materials must be union made and all work must be done by union labor.
Fakrash: When the Pharaohs put up the pyramids, they had no such problems. In those days...
Harold Ventimore: - These aren't those days, they're these days. There is no room for magic now. Everything must be done legitimately today. (01:10:00)
Lucky Jackson: Where you from, Rusty?
Rusty Martin: Dubuque.
Lucky Jackson: Well whaddya know, I've never been there myself, but its interesting that you're from good old Dubuque.
Rusty Martin: Before you get too attached to 'good old Dubuque', we moved there from Chillicothe, Ohio.
Rusty Martin: Chillicothe, Ohio, well, how about that, I've never been there either.
Julius Caesar: I've cleaned up this city. Have you forgotten my slogan? 'Nihil expectore in omnibus' - no spitting on the public transport.
Molly Brown: Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give in.
Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: A mistake?.. in a nudist camp?
Clouseau: Nobody's perfect.
Dreyfus: Idiot nincompoop lunatic.
George Kimball: What kind of pills are they?
Dr. Morrissey: You wouldn't know if I told you. Just take them. Take the pills.
Ma Tatum: You look like you been drug through a mole hole backwards.
Dino: Now look lady, you may have heard a lot of singers but you ain't heard nothin' sung till you've heard me sung it.
Ens. Frank Pulver: You mean after everything I've told you, you think I could be a doctor?
Scotty: By rights, you should be a good one. You have more people to prove yourself to than anyone I ever heard of. You should cash in on that. My family's in business. They say the big trick is to turn liabilities into assets.
Doctor Crow: I am Doctor Crow. You are surprised?
Daphne Honeybutt aka Agent Brown Cow: Yes, I am! I expected you to be a man... or a woman.
Cole Younger: Listen, right now Trigger and Roden are up in Bald Knob selling guns and ammunition to the Indians.