Danny Kaye: My friend, when what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting whatever it is you've got left.
Jensen: General, I'll make a deal with you. You make me a sergeant in charge of the booze and I'll enlist. Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze! Make me a sergeant in charge of the booze.
Mr. Lundie: Two hundred years ago, the highlands of Scotland were plagued with witches, wicked sorcerers that were taking the Scottish people away from the teachings of God and putting the Devil into their souls. They were indeed horrible destructive women. I dinna suppose you have such women in your country?
Tommy Albright: Witches?
Jeff Douglas: Oh we have 'em. We pronounce it differently.
Margot Mary Wendice: Oh, there you are. We thought you were never coming. What have you been up to?
Tony Wendice: I'm sorry darling, but the boss came in just as I was leaving.
Margot Mary Wendice: Tony, this is Mark Halliday.
Tony Wendice: Hello Mark.
Mark Halliday: Hello.
Liza: Doesn't it do anything but snow up here? We've had a blizzard every day for the past two months. I'm going crazy, shut up in this house.
The Fool: I am ignorant, but I read books. You won't believe it, everything is useful... this pebble for instance.
Gelsomina: Which one?
The Fool: Anyone. It is useful.
Gelsomina: What for?
The Fool: For... I don't know. If I knew I'd be the Almighty, who knows all. When you are born and when you die... Who knows? I don't know for what this pebble is useful but it must be useful. For if its useless, everything is useless. So are the stars.
Captain Nemo: Think of it. On the surface there is hunger and fear. Men still exercise unjust laws. They fight, tear one another to pieces. A mere few feet beneath the waves their reign ceases, their evil drowns. Here on the ocean floor is the only independence. Here I am free! Imagine what would happen if they controlled machines such as this submarine boat. Far better that they think there's a monster and hunt me with harpoons.
Mike Devereaux: He'll cool down... and when he does he'll make the deal. He's too smart not to. Ain't that right, Ben?
Ben Devereaux: I don't know. But anybody that throws $10,000 in a spittoon makes me nervous.
Sabrina Fairchild: Goodnight, Mr. Larrabee. I'm sorry I can't stay to do the dishes.
Johnny: There's only two things in this world that a 'real man' needs: a cup of coffee and a good smoke.
Kay Weston: I supposed you never made a mistake.
Lisa: Where does a man get inspiration to write a song like that?
Jeff: He gets it from the landlady once a month.
Lt. Harry Brubaker: I'm a lawyer from Denver, Colorado.
Mike Forney: Judas, how'd you wind up in a smelly ditch in Korea?
Lt. Harry Brubaker: I was just asking myself that same question.
Kikuchiyo: This baby... It's me... It's what happened to me.
Lt. Commander Philip Francis Queeg: Aboard my ship, excellent performance is standard, standard performance is sub-standard, and sub-standard performance is not permitted to exist - that, I warn you.
Marilyn Gregor: You know that gun is jail bait.
Rocky: Stop right there, rabbit! How much do you know?
Bugs Bunny: Who, me? Oh, I know uh lotsa things! Two and two is four, Carson City is the capital of Nevada, uh, George Washington was the first president.
Rocky: CUT IT! This guy knows too much, Mugsy.
Molly Donahue: "Don't worry." Hmm. That's a laugh. You start worrying about your kids the day they're born and you never stop. Even after they bury you, I bet you never stop.
[Fran Davis accidentally collides with a stranger on foot at the airport.]
Fran Davis: Sorry! We almost locked bumpers!
Stranger: [Leering at Fran's hourglass figure] If there's any damage to the chassis, I'll be glad to pay for repairs.
Fran Davis: Buster, you couldn't even pay for the headlights.
Simon The Magician: A true miracle is nothing but a good trick.