Dennis: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie: I got really, really nervous - I just started eating cheese.
Mac: Does that calm you down?
Charlie Kelly: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Charlie Kelly: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.
Frank Reynolds: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it.
Dennis Reynolds: Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds: He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds: He'll adapt to reading?
Fat Mac: You want some insulin?
Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.
Frank Reynolds: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the - all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.
Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now, how long would it take.
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Don't swim to Europe.
Frank Reynolds: Do not.
Jackie: What is it that you do again?
Charlie Kelly: I'm like a janitor at - um, I'm a... full-on rapist, you know? Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sorta thing.
Frank Reynolds: I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing.
Charlie Kelly: So what, you want a maid?
Frank Reynolds: That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.
Dee Reynolds: Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeh, yeh. Now, help me dig these crack rocks outta my ass.
Charlie Kelly: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.
Mac: I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
Frank Reynolds: My neice?
Mac: Yeah.
Frank Reynolds: Gail the Snail?
Mac: Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? She's not blood related so it's not that weird.
Charlie Kelly: When was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Dennis Reynolds: Uhh. What's-what's that?
Charlie Kelly: Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?
Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis Reynolds: What's happening, Gladys, is we're at the fair and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
Dennis Reynolds: I-I don't give a shit.
Charlie Kelly: Good morning, juarez family.
Charlie Kelly: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.
Charlie Kelly: What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.
