Weeds (2005)

Nancy Botwin: People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh Wilson: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film.

Andy Botwin: Look kids, Chris is risen.

Nancy Botwin: You promised me no kids.
Josh Wilson: Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no.

Nancy Botwin: You listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids.
Josh Wilson: They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed, no grass on the field no grass will they yield.
Nancy Botwin: You're a poet.
Josh Wilson: You know it.

Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?
Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.

Nancy Botwin: Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: Ok, now I pledge never to die.

Doug Wilson: It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.

Nancy Botwin: Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Nancy Botwin: You've made your bed, now fuck in it.

Shane Botwin: I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad.

Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?
Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.

Nancy Botwin: Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Nancy Botwin: I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy.

Andy Botwin: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us, what do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.

Quinn: Can we have sex in your house?

Andy Botwin: I paid for a full ounce, they fucking cheated me.
Nancy Botwin: They fucking saved your ass from going to jail.
Ms. Greenstein - Attorney: Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Celia Hodes: Let your freak flag fly.

Nancy Botwin: I can't believe I trust you with my drug money. You're an idiot.
Doug Wilson: I'm an idiot savant.

Andy Botwin: Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic.

Doug Wilson: How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?