Swiss Toni: Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.
Dave Angel: Heey! My name's Dave Angel, eco warrior. Behind me there is my missus Shirley, and we haven't had sex for twelve years, which is fine because we got better things to do.
Billy Bleach: She was half woman, half fish. Terrible in the kitchen, but a bloody good swimmer.
Johnny: My word look at that sky! We'll have to work like demons to get it down. Look at the contrasts, the whites, the black... You lock me in the cellar and feed me pins! Pins! Pins! Ew.
Johnny's Wife: I think we'd better be getting home, now, Johnny.
Johnny: What's for tea, Mother? Maggots on Toast?
Jesse: This season, I'll be mostly wearing no vest and no pants neither.
Director: Chip? Take five - we need to reset the wire.
Chip: Set meself on fire? All right.
Rowley Birkin: I punched him right on the nose.
Policeman: I've ascertained the time of death as 9.15.
Monkfish: Have you really? What do you want, a biscuit?
Ralph: What are you fishing for?
Ted: Fish.
Rowley Birkin: ...thin layer of lemon curd.
Ron Manager: Self belief. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it, I can do it, I can really move from my head right down to my blue suede shoes. Isn't it? Rubettes, 1973? Marvellous.
Rowley Birkin: Completely made out of rubber.
Rowley Birkin: Oh you must have been there. Oh, it's quite, quite, quite, quite wonderful.
Rowley Birkin: Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub and lays its eggs in your brain.
Various roles: You a young mother, are you? That's the hardest job in the world is, innit, eh? The old motherin' game. Yeah, hardest game in the world. Yeah, I done it meself, see? Yeah. Thirty years, man and woman.
Johnny: They're here! They're here! They've landed on the Pier.
Rowley Birkin: I opened my eyes and - by jingo! I realised I'd married three of 'em.
Swiss Toni: For God's sake, Paul, do you not realise! I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Carl Hooper: Next week on the show: bats - are they really blind or just takin' a piss out of me?
Rowley Birkin: Opened my eyes and, by George, realised I'd married three of them.
