Bill Maher: New Rule: You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.
Bill Maher: New rule: now that Paul McCartney has admitted that he once masturbated with John Lennon, he has to tell us, is that when you guys wrote "Come Together"?
Bill Maher: New Rule: The next time Steve Fossett tries to fly something around the world, shoot him down.
Bill Maher: New rule: Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.
Mario Cuomo: When President Lincoln prayed, he talked to God. When President Bush prayed, God talked to Bush.
Kurt Vonnegut: I am not only from the richest country in the world, but the dumbest country in the world.
Bill Maher: New rule: basking sharks don't get to take part in "Shark Week." They're slow-moving, they feed on plankton, they're not a threat to anyone. That's not a shark, that's a whale. You want to be on "Shark Week"? Try eating a surfer.
Bill Maher: New rule: someone has to tell all the idiots rushing out to buy one of those new hoverboards that you can save yourself 500 bucks by just breaking your own neck and setting the garage on fire.
Tucker Carlson: Maybe in fact it was better to have Saddam in there. Maybe Saddam, as bad as he was - was not the worst we could get. Maybe chaos was the worst we could get. That's the truth.
George Galloway: Christians believe in the Prophets, peace be upon them. Bush believes in the profits and how to get a piece of them.
Bill Maher: New rule: now that poison control centers are warning that young children who like the smell of fruit-scented hand sanitizer are drinking it and getting drunk and passing out, someone has to give fruit-scented hand sanitizer to the kid behind me on the plane.
Howard Dean: I think the problem with the country is that we operate on a sickness model, not a wellness model. Basically, we treat people who become ill. What we don't do is do a very good job in keeping them healthy in the first place.
Bill Maher: New rule: Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.
Bill Maher: New rule: someone has to tell this Chinese kid "Get out of the algae. It's not good for you. Plus, hey, lunch break is over. Get back to making my iPhone."
Bill Maher: We're not running our country down when we criticize it. We're trying to make it better.
Bill Maher: New rule: the Oscars must become more like the Golden Globes. The Golden Globes is the woman you meet who's hot, tipsy, and fun. And the Oscars is her friend who grabs her and says "Come on, we're going home."
Bill Maher: New rule: from now on, that awkward moment in every meeting where you hear a phone vibrate and everybody discreetly starts patting their pants to see if it's theirs, shall be known as an Amish circle jerk.
Tucker Carlson: I mean, look, no matter how you feel about Bush, watching him speak is difficult. It's like - it's like watching a drunk man cross an icy street.
Gore Vidal: We have to move out, not on. We have no business there. We didn't care before what Iraq became and we don't care now.
Bill Maher: New rule: now that we know that this year's average Super Bowl ticket is selling for a record $5,500, and some tickets for as high as 28 grand, neurologists have to start looking into whether the fans also have brain damage.
