TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize.
Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a real PIG.
TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself.
Lisa Douglas: Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.
Ralph Monroe: My lips are sealed.
Hank Kimball: Now if we could only keep them that way.
Ralph Monroe: If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out.
Hank Kimball: Hello, Mrs Douglas! How are you?
Lisa Douglas: Hello, Mr. Kimball. I'm fine. Well, I'm not really fine. I have a little headache. Well, it isn't a little headache, it's a... it went away.
Hank Kimball: I know somebody that talks just like that. Well, not just like that. What was his name? Oh yes, it was... no, it wasn't him.
Lisa Douglas: Why do you want to irritate your corn?
Oliver Douglas: Irrigate. It means put water on it.
Lisa Douglas: Won't that irritate it?
Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Oliver Douglas: Who?
Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.
