Quotes from Martin Mull movies and TV shows

Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there is nobody else in this house?
Wadsworth: Um, no.
Colonel Mustard: Then there is somebody else in the house?
Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said no meaning yes.
Colonel Mustard: No meaning yes? Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?
Wadsworth: Um...no.
Colonel Mustard: No, there is? Or no, there isn't?
Wadsworth: Yes.

Colonel Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Colonel Mustard: That's right!

Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
Colonel Mustard: Some defense. You know, if I was the killer I would kill you next.
Miss Scarlet: Oh!?
Colonel Mustard: I said if, if. Hey, come on, there is only one admitted killer here and it is certainly not me, it is her.
Mrs. White: Me? I've admitted nothing.
Colonel Mustard: Well, you've paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine, or other womens'?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, five. Husbands should be like kleenex; soft, strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right.

Mr. Green: So how did you know that Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Colonel Mustard: Certainly not.
Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.
Colonel Mustard: Well, you tell them it's not true.
Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
Professor Plum: Is that true?
Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.
Mr. Green: A-ha! So it is true.
Wadsworth: A double negative.
Colonel Mustard: Double negative? You mean you have photographs?
Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, a double negative has lead to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

Wadsworth: The cook and Yvette were his accomplices! I know, because I was Mr. Boddy's butler, that the cook had worked for one of you!
Colonel Mustard: I see... So... Whoever knew... That the cook was involved... Killed her?

Wadsworth: Well, to make a long story short.
Colonel Mustard: Too late.