Quotes from Kumail Nanjiani movies and TV shows

Kumail: So... to fully know I love someone, I have to cheat on them?
Terry: Out loud, it sounds stupid. Eh, it's... yeah, that's terrible advice.

Emily: Were you available for rides while we were fucking?
Kumail: Yeah, but I only looked a couple of times.

Emily: I didn't heckle you, just woo-hoo'd you. It's supportive.
Kumail: Okay, that's a common misconception. Yelling anything at a comedian is considered heckling. Heckling doesn't have to be negative.
Emily: So, if I... if I yelled out like... you're amazing in bed, that'd be a heckle?
Kumail: Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle.

Sharmeen: I was so worried. We saw on the news that a train derailed, and we thought that you were on the train, and you had died.
Kumail: Nobody died on that train, ma.
Sharmeen: But did they look under the train?

Emily: I feel good about the surgery.
Kumail: Yeah. Me, too. These doctors know what they're doing.
Emily: No, they don't. They're just winging it like everybody else.

Nya: It's okay, Lloyd. Nobody's parents are perfect.
Jay: I mean, my mom is weird, and collects seashells. Your dad levels cities and attacks innocent people. So, they've all got their quirks, ya know.

Diner Waitress: What can I get for you guys?
Jibran: Do you have alcohol?
Leilani: Two, please.
Jibran: Two.
Diner Waitress: Two what?
Jibran: Two alcohols, please. Thank you so much.
Diner Waitress: We don't serve alcohol.