Quotes from Justin Long movies and TV shows

Bartleby Gaines: I could go to jail.
Uncle Ben: Don't worry, you're young. Your butt can take it.

Bartleby Gaines: What the hell happened?
Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.

Bartleby Gaines: Remember that time we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
Bartleby Gaines: It's worse than that.

Hoyt Ambrose: You want me to give you something funny to laugh about?
Bartleby Gaines: You mean funnier than your future alcohol abuse?
Glen: Battle royale.

Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot.
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the shit Sandwiches?

Sherman Schrader: It was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away"
Bartleby Gaines: Yeah, you put it as "one click away"! You don't make it... clickable.

Bartleby Gaines: Does the run-of-the-mill college experience include stripping you of your dignity? Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... a... frigging hot dog suit?
Sherman Schrader: It's a tradition.
Bartleby Gaines: A tradition?
Sherman Schrader: Yes.
Bartleby Gaines: I've got a tradition for you. Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old. That's the only tradition I know.

Rory: Ever since nursery school, every single waking moment of every single day has been scheduled. So what do I want to do? Nothing.
Bartleby Gaines: Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like it.

Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
Sherman Schrader: Scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Hands: Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
Sherman Schrader: I told you that in confidence Hands.
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, you were afraid when you're tooth fell out because you were terrified of the Tooth Fairy.
Sherman Schrader: That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Rory, hows it goin? What's wrong?
Rory: I... I... I - I didn't get into Ya - I didn't get into... I-I-I I didn't get into Yal - I didn't get into Yale.
Bartleby Gaines: What? Why not?
Rory: Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale! No, too many mediocre rich kids with well-connected parents.

Bartleby Gaines: And they all paid first semester's tuition?
Rory: Yep. 10,000 bucks apiece. I stopped counting after the first 100 checks.
Glen: That's 74 million dollars.
Rory: It's a million dollars, Glen.
Glen: Yeah... In human dollars.

Jack Gaines: Listen, I took another look at that website, what's all this be-what-you-wanna-be-crap?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh no no, dad they just have to say stuff like that just to keep from being sued.
Jack Gaines: Yeah well it sounds like a bunch of crap to me.

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.

Brittany: Of course. That's why the water was so hot. It's being heated by an underground magma chamber.
Alvin: How do you know that?
Brittany: I have no idea the place where I get my nails done always has the science channel on maybe I accidentally paid attention.

Alvin: We're alive! We're alive.
Brittany: Good, 'cause now I'm going to kill you.

Brittany: Since I'm not the pretty one anymore, maybe I should build a shelter too.
Alvin: Yeah, good luck with that.
Brittany: You think I can't do it?
Alvin: Hey, I didn't say that, Brit. I thought it, but I didn't say it.

Alvin: Don't you judge me, Jon Waters, I've seen Pink flamingos.

Alvin: Don't worry about picking us up after school, Toby. We'll catch a ride - IN A HEARSE!

Clay Dalton: You have such a good heart.

Alex: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.