Dusty: Did you hear about the Viagra shipment that got stolen?
Lefty: No. Who do they think did it?
Dusty: Well, they don't know, but they're on the look out for hardened criminals.
Lefty: The blind man's seeing eye dog pissed on the blind man's shoe. The blind man said "Here Rover, here's a piece of beef for you." His wife said "Don't reward him, you can't just let that pass." The blind man said "I gotta find his mouth so I can kick him in the ass."
Vanellope: We are going to the internet.
Ralph: Super exciting! Just one minor thing: what is an "internet"?
Oliver Hardy: You're not leaving, are you, Stan? The show must go on.
Oliver Hardy: I'll miss us when we're gone.
Stan Laurel: So will you.
Dale Doback: Oprah, Barbra Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, go!
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Dale Doback: The clown has no penis!
Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes "Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and grabs me by the weiner.
Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!
Brennan Huff: I tea-bagged your drum set!
Dale Doback: Well my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay!
Brennan: Favorite prehistoric dinosaur?
Brennan and Dale: Velociraptor!
Dale: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to?
Brennan and Dale: Good Housekeeping!
Brennan: Who is one man that you would sleep with if you were a girl?
Brennan and Dale: John Stamos!
Dale: Oh my gosh.
Brennan: Did we just become best friends?
Dale: Yup.
Brennan: Wanna go do karate in the garage?
Dale: Yup.
Dale Doback: My dad and I decided that Nancy's kind of hot, so maybe we should just both bang her and in the meantime deal with the re**rd.
Brennan Huff: Who's the re**rd?
Dale Doback: You.
Brennan Huff: Hey y'all don't say that!
Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.
Dr. Robert Doback: We're putting the house on the market.
Dale Doback: Where are we moving?
Brennan Huff: Is the house haunted?
[Waking up from dreams on top of each other.]
Dale Doback: Oh no, I'm late for school.
Brennan Huff: I'll kiss you on the lips Kenny Rodgers.
Cal Naughton Jr.: Shake and bake!
Ricky Bobby: Shake and bake!
Ma Cox: I'm just so glad you learned to play the guitar so good... even without having a sense of smell.
Dewey Cox: It's okay mama, I learned how to play by ear.
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