Quotes from Jack Nicholson movies and TV shows

Warren Schmidt: You've got to appreciate what you have while you still have it.

Warren Schmidt: You're not gonna believe this. We had a tire swing over there.

Warren Schmidt: I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?

Warren Schmidt: You can't marry him. I mean... Look at these people.

Warren Schmidt: Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Stacy: Nice.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman.
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a woman beater! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage.
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.

Older Arnie Shankman: Did you get it on with my sister?
Dave Buznik: Over and over again. And she moaned like a wildebeast.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Wildebeast.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: So Peanut likes the spicy humor. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me earlier about the great Buddha.
Older Arnie Shankman: Oh, what did you say about Buddha?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over six hundred pounds have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Jibber jabber jibber jabbering, mumbo jumbo, denial, key-key-key-key-key-key.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: She said she was going out with a friend named Andrea.
Dave Buznik: She doesn't have a friend named Andrea. Did she say Andrew?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Oh, ah, yes Andrew... the testicle with legs.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Alright, I'm going to need for you to retard your anger level a few notches and listen to me, can you do that?
Dave Buznik: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah... it's retarded, I'm retarded.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: By the way, I like to sleep in the nude.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: ...You're on my side of the arm rest. We're not gonna have problems, are we?

Dr. Buddy Rydell: In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three of four men to share a bed.
Dave Buznik: That's why I'm proud to be an American.

Secretary: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... All right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

Melvin Udall: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.
Carol Connelly: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were kind, so so much for eyes.

Melvin: Is he dead yet?
Nora: No. Would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
Melvin: Absolutely.
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time. And here is the key in case he is asleep. Open his curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work, and he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Melvin: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day in your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.

Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.