Quotes from Eddie Griffin movies and TV shows

Frank Jones: When I first got married to your mother, we barely knew each other. Could barely even speak the English language.
Julia Jones: But you're from Jersey.
Frank Jones: I'm trying to make a point here.

Frank Jones: I was wrong about Grant. He's really a nice guy. He even liked you when you were butt-ugly.
Julia Jones: How do you...?
Frank Jones: I saw it in your flashback.

T.J. Hicks: You know, Antoine's got a really bad temper. One time, I dropped a cigar ash on his carpet, and he made me pick it up with my anus.

T.J. Hicks: Deuce, you the best he-bitch in my man stable. If I had two more manginas like you, I'd be a millionaire.

T.J. Hicks: See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Where?
T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring?
T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.

T.J. Hicks: Don't make me he-bitch man-slap you.

T.J. Hicks: This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.
Deuce Bigalow: What's wrong with this one?
T.J. Hicks: Nothin'.
Deuce Bigalow: Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?
T.J. Hicks: She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.
Deuce Bigalow: It's a guy isn't it?
T.J. Hicks: I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.

T.J. Hicks: Claire said Antoine's apartment was messed up, but I had no idea.
Deuce Bigalow: Claire?
T.J. Hicks: The hooker you ass-punched.

T.J. Hicks: What about Antoine's apartment?
Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna get the rest of the money the old-fashioned way.
T.J. Hicks: You gonna steal it?

T.J. Hicks: Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?
Deuce Bigalow: Really?
T.J. Hicks: Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
Deuce Bigalow: You know the Dutch started the slave trade.
T.J. Hicks: Those mother fuckers.

T.J. Hicks: I'm in blackface. It's my disguise. See?
Deuce Bigalow: But you look the same.
T.J. Hicks: Are you saying black people all look the same? You are such a racist! I should have the good mind not to let you help me prove that I'm innocent.

T.J. Hicks: You like them big hairy balls don't ya?
T.J. Hicks: Ah you pussy get off me, get off me.

Deuce Bigalow: We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.
T.J. Hicks: I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont?

T.J. Hicks: I ain't gay! I was just looking down his pants 'cause I heard his shlong was so big, and juicy! No wait! That didn't sound right.

T.J. Hicks: What is that? That is not a dick in my hand. Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand.

G: Who's taking care of your kids?
Lonnie: Jesus.

Undercover Brother: You mess with the 'fro, you got to go.

The Chief: I'm tired of you disrespecting me! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your black-ass?
Undercover Brother: Because I... don't... work for you?
The Chief: Shut UP! Save the smart comments for the chunky brother in the smock.

Undercover Brother: Wait a minute, how'd the white boy get a job at "the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D."?
The Chief: Shit, what can I say? Affirmative action.

Undercover Brother: You know what they say, behind every great black man.
Conspiracy Brother: Is the police.
Undercover Brother: No.
Smart Brother: A bunch of slow white athletes?
Undercover Brother: No.
White She-Devil: A cute butt.
Undercover Brother: No.
Lance: Probable cause.