Quotes from Dax Shepard movies and TV shows

Vince: This is an '81 Honda! How dare you!

Vince: Do you know what this is? [Holds up a Sharpie.]
Zack: Yes, that is a ten times larger than life replica of your penis.

Vince: Well, I guess I can get a little anal...
Zack: Actually, I hear he gets alot.

Annie Bean: Honey, everything I need for L.A. would not fit in the trunk.
Yul Perrkins a.k.a. Charles Bronson: Sweetie, this car also came as a hardtop convertible. The whole roof slid into the trunk. The trunk was designed to hold the entire roof. Believe me. Your stuff fit in the trunk.

Yul Perrkins a.k.a. Charles Bronson: I don't have a job. I don't have any friends. You don't love me anymore. So my word is really all I have going for me.
Annie Bean: I don't not love you. I'm just terrified that I don't know you.

Frito: Yah I know this place pretty good, I went to law school here.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: In Costco?
Frito: Yah I couldn't believe it myself, luckily my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?
Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.

Frito: I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out.

Frito: Go away! 'Batin'.

C.P. Kennedy: Now, what exactly is our target juror?
Judge Joseph Palmer: Intelligent people who will listen to instructions and follow the evidence.
Hank Palmer: Crackpots. Those I can persuade to swallow their own tongue. Anyone who's seen a Sasquatch. Moon-landing deniers. Those are our people.

John Lyshitski: Under all the swastikas, he's a real prick.

Stripper: Anybody want to buy me a champagne drink? How about a fancy beer? 15 bucks for a lap dance.
John Lyshitski: Yeah, I'm not that horny. I just got out of prison.

John Lyshitski: Our justice system sucks. You know, there are over two million Americans behind bars. That's a little larger than the population of Houston. Every year, there are enough children born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams and enough people are raped in prison to fill a stadium more than three times. Can you picture that? Three stadiums full of people raping each other? I know I can.

John Lyshitski: We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.

[The astronaut is throwing food onto the table.]
Danny: Are you doing this to keep Zorgons away?
Astronaut: No, I'm doing this because I've been eating paste out of a tube for fifteen years.

Astronaut: No matter how good an idea seems like when you're angry, it never is.