Quotes from Cassandra Peterson movies and TV shows

Elvira: I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards.

Elvira: Grab a tool and start banging. Let's do it.

Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here?
Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.
Elvira: Gee, I think I can handle it.

Elvira: Bloody Mary.
Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
Elvira: Cheap? Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, Catch of the Day?
Patty: Look, honey. I don't know which hole you crawl out of, but I suggest you crawl right back in if you know what's good for you.

Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.
Elvira: Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?

Bob Redding: I run the movie house.
Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?
Bob Redding: No.
Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.
Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.

Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams.

Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.

Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady.
Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror.

Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?
Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets.

Elvira: Whoa. Must have taken too much antacid in the sixties.

Elvira: I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.

Elvira: Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?