Pirate 1: Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs.
Pirate 2: No.
Pirate 3: What good are they?
Pirate 4: Can't record on 'em.
Pirate 2: They're not compatible with my system.
Pimp: Safety and good mileage are the two things I looked for in a new car. That's why I bought a Volvo stationwagon.
Butch: What's she looking at? She acts like she's never seen a man before.
Queen Lara: She hasn't. Have you, Alpha-Beta?
Alpha Beta: No, My Queen. What are men good for?
Butch: I'm pretty good in the backseat of a Studebaker.
Slappy White: But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. How about "ugly" and "cheap"? Harvey wrote his will on his cock, and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court.
Son of the Invisible Man: Ever see a shirt make a phone call?
Bernice Pitnik: I'm glad to see Slappy White here today. Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe. And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee, or did a beaver curl up and die on your head? As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy.
Murray: Now I'm trapped in a rock video - anything but this.
Rip Taylor: What's this, an audience or a funeral? Now, pay attention, please. But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine, and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch. I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20.
Sy Swerdlow: Hi, I'm Sy Swerdlow... and I invented the patented process known as hair looming... If you suffer from premature hair loss... let our team of technicians visit you in the privacy of your own home, so there will be no embarrassment... You'll choose from our selection of over two hundred colors and styles... then your head will be carpeted... with 100 percent pure acrylic fiber... completely natural-looking.
Dutch: Here... Dunk your whiskers in this, sister.
Selma: Murray, what are you doing on the weather?
Steve Allen: Henny, you were never funnier - and it's a shame.
Henry Silva: Is this the way it happened? Was Jack the Ripper in fact a sixty-foot sea serpent from Scotland? Did I take this job to make a quick buck? We may never know the answers to these questions.
Butch: I never thought I'd be miserable surrounded by beautiful dames.
Capt. Nelson: Cut the gags, Butch, we're in enough trouble.
Henny Youngman: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish guys die before their wives? They want to.
Son of the Invisible Man: Being invisible is the best.
Steve Allen: Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids.
