Mike Johnson: I don't want any sardines. I'm not throwing a bare turkey on the stage.
Mike Johnson: But, baby! I know it's your birthday, but this is important.
Mike Johnson: Well, go ahead. Say it.
Maggie Phillips: I wasn't going to say anything.
Mike Johnson: You don't have to put it into words, baby. It's sticking out of your eyes.
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Come in. Is there anything I can do for you? What a ridiculous statement.
Grunion's Client: Mr. Grunion. I want you to help me.
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: I have a little sand left. What seems to be the trouble?
Grunion's Client: Some men are following me.
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Really? I can't understand why.
Faustino the Great: Look-a, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but-a please - don't play better than me.
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Here's another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas.
Faustino the Great: I'm going to cover you with the sardines. That's-a how much I love you. Watch-a my smoke.
Mike Johnson: Could you love a heel that's been repaired?
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Mackinaw, you know I have a full record of the case, and tonight at the opening of the play you MAY have the solution, but when the curtain rises, Madam Egelichi will be in the front box, and sitting next to her will be Count B'ullabaisse - but if you take away the count's silk hat, his opera cloak and his full dress suit you'll have ME, shivering in my underwear.
