Christopher Titus: Cain slew Abel... oh, happy, happy Cain.
Jeff: I love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it.
Miroku: So she has left us once again. Inuyasha, Kagome was not acting her usual self. Exactly what happened between you and Kikyo?
Inuyasha: Same thing that goes on when you're with a woman.
Miroku: Ah! Ghastly! You mean you did that right in front of Kagome?
Inuyasha: Maybe we need to have a talk about what it is you do with women.
Bernard: I can feel pieces of my brain falling away like a wet cake.
Louis Stevens: I am making a quality cucumber shake here.
Ren Stevens: Not on my time.
Steven Harper: Whenever you don't know what to do, choose the hardest thing, because nine times out of ten, that's the right thing to do.
Darien Fawkes: By the way, I want my tombstone to say, "Too late, he's already dead." You know, just in case more people show up wanting to screw my life over.
Opening theme song: Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question? You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big. Life is unfair.
Jackie: Wait! Bayblonian urn.
Ratso: What's a Babylonian urn?
Finn: Probably more than we do!
Marty Funkhouser: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry David: Many reasons.
Marty Funkhouser: Do you crap standing up?
Carl: I was gonna yell my brains out at ya, but because of your loss I might just gently ask... What happened last night with all the noise?
Susan: I have decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives.
Michael: You're going to kill dad?
Jimmy Hughes: Wait, I thought you said you would support my decision no matter what.
Christine Hughes: Yeah! If you made the right one.