Inspector Grim: It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!
Greg: You wanna have children?
Dharma: Yeah, unless you wanna have 'em.
Lou Grant: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.
Ted Baxter: Cue cards, Lou. I don't know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.
Murray Slaughter: We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.
Cartman Gets an Anal Probe - S1-E2
Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?
Mike: Where's Vyvyan?
Rik: Well, he said he was going inside to water his plant. Strange that such a ruthless and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan should care for a begonia. Must have had it two years now.
Mike: And it was dead when he got it.
Rik: Yes... Still, give him his credit - he's watered it every day!
Mike: Only because he can't be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory.
Greg Sanders: For the record, I really like having a penis.
Courage: There's something fishy goin' on here, or my name is Stinky Looloo, and thank goodness it's not.
The Countess - S1-E4
Jim Rockford: We're all scared to death. I guess that's a penalty we pay for living in a world where all the price tags end in 99 cents and they sell mortuary plots on billboards next to the freeway. What you do is, just keep laughing. (00:48:30)
Sarah: Does your mother know you write plays and things?
Saffie: No, and I don't want her to either, so don't say anything.
Sarah: Oh, you don't need to worry. I don't speak to her anymore. Not since she gave me that chemical peel.
Saffie: Well, it wasn't so much chemical. And not so much peel. She set fire to your pig-tails.
Sarah: It's a good job I'm thick-skinned... Well, except for the shoulder.
Sonny Crockett: I get these occasional urges for stability in my life.
Rochelle Rock: I'm gonna slap the black off you.
Blair Warner: I don't go to wing-dings, I go to cotillions.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if that is a dance at the Hillcrest Country Club, then your cotillion and my wing-ding are the same thing.
Norma Louise Bates: Why do crazy people keep gravitating towards me?
John Bacchus: You're under arrest.
George Gently: He's under arrest, when I say he is.
Captain Barney Miller: Arrest the first naked guy you see with a dirty mouth.
Night of the Sentinels: Part 1 - S1-E1
Morph: [imitating Senator Kelly] My fellow Americans, I am an idiot.
Nick Miller: You're a freaking gold digger, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world.