Best TV quotes of all time

Blair Warner: I don't go to wing-dings, I go to cotillions.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if that is a dance at the Hillcrest Country Club, then your cotillion and my wing-ding are the same thing.

Pilot - S1-E1

Michael: They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out. [Silence.] Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen. [Gasps.] Interesting. I would have expected that after "they're keeping Dad in jail."

Alf Stewart: He's as crooked as a dog's hind leg.

Kimmy Gibbler: My moves are all that and a bag of chips, so talk to the hand loser! Oh snap, you go girl! I think I just did.

Lilo: Stitch! Are you okay?
Stitch: I'm okay. I'm fluffy.

James: We are poor, and poor is one of three things people don't want to be. Right next to sick, and dead.

Dominic Santini: Why can't we hover like regular helicopter people?

Season 1 generally

Inspector Grim: It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!

Night of the Sentinels: Part 1 - S1-E1

Morph: [imitating Senator Kelly] My fellow Americans, I am an idiot.

Phaneron ★

Silly People - S2-E14

Carlos: You know who you are, Gaby? You're the kind of person who would have turned away Mary and Joseph from the inn.
Gabrielle: Well, they should have called ahead.

Never Ape and Ape Man - S1-E7

Shaggy: Scooby-Snacks won't work on me this time.
Daphne: Would you do it for a Shaggy-Snack? A little something I whipped up.
Shaggy: Huh? A Shaggy-Snack?
Daphne: Yes, it's a pot-pie, with pizza crust, anchovies, pepperoni, cherries, all in a thick chocolate sauce.
Shaggy: Hahahaha! I'll do it! I'll do it!

Quantom X ★

Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

Summer Holiday - S2-E6

Mike: Where's Vyvyan?
Rik: Well, he said he was going inside to water his plant. Strange that such a ruthless and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan should care for a begonia. Must have had it two years now.
Mike: And it was dead when he got it.
Rik: Yes... Still, give him his credit - he's watered it every day!
Mike: Only because he can't be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory.

Red Letter Day - S5-E19

Kimball Cho: What do you need?
Patrick Jane: Backup.
Kimball Cho: I don't like it when you say you need backup and nothing's happened yet.

Cubs Fan ★

The Evil Queen - S2-E20

Cora: Love is weakness. It feels real now, at the start it always does, but it's an illusion. It fades and then you're left with nothing!

Francisco Guerra

Dan: I don't know whether to laugh or to shoot you.
Lucifer: Surprise me.

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe - S1-E2

Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

Hercules: What are you doing here?
Iolaus: What do you mean?
Hercules: Iolaus, you're dead.
Iolaus: Yeah, well, I was kinda hoping you wouldn't notice.

Admiral Adama: So say we all.

Meta Knight: Your spirit is willing but your pink flesh is weak.