The Drew Carey Show (1995)

Oswald Lee Harvey: I think I'm going to be sick.
Drew Carey: Why?
Oswald Lee Harvey: I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me.

Lewis Kiniski: I am sick of hearing about poor Drew. "Oh, my house is too big, I have too many wives! I just clogged up my toilet 'cause I crapped a solid gold brick!"

Drew Carey: How do I look?
Lewis Kiniski: Not just sexy, grandpa sexy.

Kate O'Brien: My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.

Mimi Bobeck: I cracked Mr. Wick's secret password. It's "Mr. Wick."
Drew Carey: He might as well just use the word "password."

Drew Carey: Oh, my god. I realised why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Aww, Drew.
Drew Carey: No! Do not pity the whore.

Nigel Wick: Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?
Drew Carey: Yeah.
Nigel Wick: Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.

Drew Carey: Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself.

Drew Carey: I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.

Drew Carey: Is that the most terrible sound you've ever heard?
Lewis Kiniski: Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?
Drew Carey: No.
Lewis Kiniski: Then yes, that's the worst sound you ever heard.

Kate O'Brien: Oswald, how do I look?
Oswald Lee Harvey: On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.
Kate O'Brien: Oswald.
Drew Carey: Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.
Kate O'Brien: Oh.
Oswald Lee Harvey: It starts at three.

Lewis Kiniski: I am a toilet of sadness. Oh well, at least I'm not a dying whore.

Drew Carey: Oh, you hate your job? Oh my god, well why didn't you say so? You know there's a support group for that. It's called everybody. They meet at the bar.

Drew Carey: I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you have that and the Sex Channel, they put you in some sort of file.