Greg Sanders: For the record, I really like having a penis.
Dylan Hunt: It's a little known law of thermodynamics: The Conservation of Optimism: There's only so much to go around.
Christopher Titus: Cain slew Abel... oh, happy, happy Cain.
Original Cindy: He's from Manticore, huh? Say what you want - they sure know how to make 'em pretty.
Max Guevera/X5-452: Try spending an afternoon with him. He'll drive you crazy with his laughing, and his talking, and his breathing.
Original Cindy: Sugar, you got issues.
Bernard: I can feel pieces of my brain falling away like a wet cake.
Louis Stevens: I am making a quality cucumber shake here.
Ren Stevens: Not on my time.
Buzz: There seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.
Captain William Mitchell: Joel, where have you been?
Joel Rawlings: Sir, I was on a... secret mission. So secret, even you didn't know about it.
Captain William Mitchell: At the flower shop?
Marty Funkhouser: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry David: Many reasons.
Marty Funkhouser: Do you crap standing up?
Darien Fawkes: By the way, I want my tombstone to say, "Too late, he's already dead." You know, just in case more people show up wanting to screw my life over.
Det. Supt. Peter Boyd: I'll have to have a word with you, please.
Jacqueline Wright: We're going to Longleat.
Det. Supt. Peter Boyd: I'm afraid the lions will have to wait.
Jimmy Hughes: Wait, I thought you said you would support my decision no matter what.
Christine Hughes: Yeah! If you made the right one.
Michael: He wants me to be honest, to tell him what I really think.
Brian Kinney: And what do you really think?
Michael: It was kinda boring.
Brian Kinney: Kinda like him? He's your partner, Mikey. You gotta sit him down, take his hand and tell him "Honey, it's a steaming pile of horseshit."
Michael: Could you say that to Justin?
Brian Kinney: Yeah. Fortunately... he's a genius.
Michael: You are so helpful.
Susan: I have decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives.
Michael: You're going to kill dad?
Jackie: Jade! You were scratched by the statue!
Jade: They're old jeans anyhoo. Oh, you mean the whole turning into a cat thing? Was wondering about that.
Steven Harper: Whenever you don't know what to do, choose the hardest thing, because nine times out of ten, that's the right thing to do.
Carver: I am going to be carp.
Tino: Did you say Carp?
Carver: That stands for what I want to be. Cool And Radically Popular.
Tino: It's a good thing you don't want to be Cool rich And Popular.
Carver: Why?